Preparing for the Holidays in Ted’s Texas

Season’s Greetings, fellow Texans! I should begin by sharing that I wanted to open this piece with “Merry Christmas!” but the PC Police at AMP forced their hippie-dippy inclusion on me with the threat of not publishing my article that, in its truest form, oozed truth and delicious non-alcoholic eggnog. You might think it seems more fitting to print this during Halloween time, being that it was trimmed down to a “culturally appropriate” skeleton of my ideas, but much like my hero, Nancy Reagan, I just lie down and take it for the sake of Conservatism. So here we are in the most wonderful time of the year, thankfully still under the reign of the most wonderful Senator in Texas history. The brilliant, virtuous, and famously sexy politician Raphael “Ted” Cruz won the race for Senate last month, easing my fears of what this Christmas may look like without our shared values around.
In celebration of another Christmas with Senator Cruz, I am sharing my tips for planning the perfect Merry MAGA Christmas for you and your family. Why is this necessary, you ask? As a Christian, Conservative woman in 2018 it is important to me that my values are heard and that like minded individuals can celebrate with me as God intended. Here are some sure ways to keep a right attitude this Christmas:

Deck the Halls with boughs of money!

There is no more warming feeling than putting up Christmas decorations with your family. My heart melts when my hot, young, silly husband lifts little Jimmy up to place the angel topper on the tree. This year, we should all be honoring the angel of the Lone Star State, which is why I am sharing the instructions for a DIY Ted Cruz Tree Topper. All you need is: a pre-made angel tree topper, one piece of cardstock (preferably white), a severe lack of respect for marginalized communities, and a hot glue gun!
Print and cut your favorite picture of Ted’s gorgeous face — mine is saved in a special folder deep in the computer — glue it to the angelic figure, talk poorly of African Americans behind closed doors, and place the beautiful, greasy figurine atop your tree.
Another quick and festive craft that screams “All I Want for Christmas is PAC Money” is a wreath made of your old $100 bills! To add an extra splash of color, use the blood of the Zodiac Killer’s victims to paint on holly berries.

Keep the Yuletide STRAIGHT.

Noted homosexual teenager Jack Frost (my husband tells me he is a “twink,” whatever that means) prances onto my television set every year during a Rankin & Bass movie marathon to frost the town (gross!) and corrupt the mind of my little Jimmy. Watch out as other scummy “Christmas” figures creep into your little ones’ minds like the famous Communist Santa Claus. Rather than let your children absorb liberal propaganda disguised as cheery seasonal programming, play it safe and turn on Fox News. Your little ones can get entertainment from the workshop of a superior jolly fat man, Roger Ailes! Senator Teddy knows that stop-motion movies let man play God! He understands that Suzy Snowflake is tapping on window panes to spread radical feminist ideology! Ted would not want his daughter watching anything but Sean Hannity and *maybe* The Santa Clause starring the everyman’s movie star, Tim Allen. Remember when Last Man Standing was cancelled because of the lib monsters at ABC? What an injustice! The writing and acting on that show runs laps around those propaganda products of the Hollywood machine like La La Land about two “artists” living in elite coastal paradise with showtunes? No thanks! I had throw out a DVD copy of that horrid film I found under my husband’s separate twin bed, but he says it’s because Emma Stone is gorgeous… ugh, men are pigs!

Blue Christmas? More like Red Christmas, Elvis!

Nothing brings a family closer together than sitting around an unlit fireplace (fire is the devil’s weapon of choice) singing carols in four-part harmony. One thing I like to do is put a fun spin on the classic songbook I inherited from my late grandma who died of a heart attack in the middle of her favorite pastime — secretly following black people around the grocery store to “monitor their behavior.” Changing lyrics to reflect Conservative ideals creates a customized, modern rendition of your favorite Irving Berlin ditty that would surely make the entire bet kevarot his Jewish corpse is buried in quake! (Don’t worry, I am not anti-Semitic; I subscribe to Ben Shapiro.) My favorite carols include “Rocking Around the Overpriced Nativity Scene,” “Beto Got Run Over by a Hero,” and of course “I’m Dreaming of a White Nation.” Please join me in taping your family sing-a-long and sending to our handsome Senator Cruz’s email!
I hope my advice will help keep your Christmas familyfriendly and full of appropriately contained cheer! Let’s take this beautiful time of year to celebrate family, our Savior, and Senator Ted Cruz, who won fair and square! Please subscribe to my blog ( and donate to one of Senator Cruz’s favorite PACs like The People for Sending Alexandria OcasioCortez to Mars. I hope you have blessed Christmas (or Holiday, in which case, ew) and a Happy New Year!