The most wonderful time of year has come, and by that of course we mean the time for our official annual AMP Naughty or Nice lists. This year has been a wild ride from start to finish, and we’ve documented the best and the worst that 2018 has had to offer. Be sure to give everyone on the naughty list a lump of coal, and give a big ol’ smooch on the cheek to everyone on the nice list.
ELON MUSK The world’s silliest billionaire has had a pretty busy year. Some highlights include: entering a relationship with musician Grimes, smoking weed on Joe Rogan’s podcast, changing the price of Tesla stock to $420 because he discovered weed, dropping acid and subsequently posting about short shorts on his Twitter account, calling the Thai cave rescuer a pedophile, and, upon another Google search of his name while writing this, considering a move to Mars. And that’s just scratching the surface. Stick to doing what billionaires do best and hoard your obscene amount of wealth quietly; we’re all sick of your antics.
EVERY CONSERVATIVE ON TWITTER WHO IS BOTH SIMULTANEOUSLY DISGUSTED BY AND HORNY FOR ALEXANDRIA OCASIO-CORTEZ Make up your minds! Are you mad because she doesn’t wear rags to her job in Congress or are you mad because she would almost certainly reject you if you asked her out on a date? Either way, you should probably just go outside.
TIME Isn’t it crazy how it just… passes? And we’ll never get it back? Is time not the most valuable currency due to our too-short lives? What are we doing with it? Who keeps letting the years go by?
DEATH OF FILMSTRUCKListen, I never actually had a Filmstruck subscription. But I wanted to get one! This was the one subscription service that always had a guaranteed top-notch film selection, including a whole bunch of Criterion films. Anyway. It’s fine. I’m fine. I’ll just torrent Before Sunrise because I’m too impatient to wait for Criterion to launch their own recently-announced subscription service.
CASEY FREY The man is too powerful. He knows too much about human nature and uses his power for evil. Every time he stares directly into his camera and licks his lips while flexing his pasty muscles for a video, I’m pretty sure my lifespan shortens by at least an hour. And yet, I can’t peel my eyes away. “What’s popping?” he asks. I cannot answer, as the question itself triggers my fight-or-flight response.
ONLINE DEBATE DWEEBS Let logic be your shield, and reason your blade. But seriously, quit demanding that people debate politics with you, especially when you’re not actually looking for a productive debate at all and instead feel that you can never actually be wrong. You know how to use Google, you don’t need to demand that random Twitter strangers explain basic concepts to you. You look like an asshole and a massive nerd, and if I find you in public, you’re getting a swirly.
HOBO JOHNSONIf you’re unfamiliar with this man or why he’s on the naughty list, just look up his song “Peach Scone” and the video of a live performance that goes along with it. It speaks for itself.
NETFLIX We asked you so nicely if we could watch A Christmas Prince: The Royal Wedding, the sequel to your 2017 smash hit A Christmas Prince, just a few days early. You never got back to us. You also released some hot garbage on your streaming platform this year, which honestly we’re only griping about because of the Christmas Prince thing. You really let us down here.
FLIP OR FLOP POST-DIVORCE At the show’s conception, the houses that Tarek and Christina flipped on HGTV’s Flip or Flop were fine, but a little boring. Design-wise, they’re still pretty boring, but the show has really upped the drama postdivorce and is milking it for all it’s worth. Now we get subway tile and Tarek getting jealous about Christina’s new boyfriend? Thank you, HGTV!
THE HALF A-PRESS SUPER MARIO 64 VIDEO Though this video was technically released in 2016, we’re putting YouTube user pannenkoek2012’s 24-minute magnum opus, “SM64 – Watch for Rolling Rocks – 0.5x A Presses (Commentated)” on the nice list anyways because it’s gotten us through some rough patches this year. Who knew that trying to get through Super Mario 64 levels with as few A presses as possible was even a thing? And why does accomplishing just that involve parallel universes? We’re not sure, but if you’re unfamiliar with this video, it’s a must-watch.
GINGER ALE A classic. Good for stomach aches. Nice fizz. Excellent flavor. Truly the king of sodas.
THE TWITTER ACCOUNT @BODEGACATS_ None of us live in New York, but this Twitter account has us seriously tempted to move. Though Jack Dorsey works hard to make the Twitter experience as awful as possible, these cats work harder to brighten up our feeds (and catch pesky city rodents).
CASEY FREY His ability to capture the zeitgeist of online culture and use that knowledge to create characters for our collective entertainment (and intense discomfort) is unparalleled. He knows too much. Why is “Five Bars, Five Seconds” so hypnotic? I don’t have the answer to that, but one thing is certain: Casey Frey demands respect.
THE GUY WHO GAVE UTD A BUNCH OF SWISS ART Some slightly confused rich angel came to the conclusion that UTD is the best place to house the largest collection of Swiss art outside of Switzerland. And while we’re so grateful for this gift, which is, according to the university, the “largest and finest private collection of Swiss art ever formed,” we’re just wondering… what did we do to deserve this? Again, we’re extremely humbled that a school full of STEM goblins captured the hearts of a generous benefactor couple, but will we give these masterpieces the appreciation they deserve? Thank you, but… are we actually worthy?
ANNA DELVEY, SCAMMER SUPREME Any woman who changes her name, fakes information about her family and wealth, forges connections with the Manhattan socialite scene, hands out $100 bills like candy on Halloween, lives far above her means in a luxurious hotel, and ends up with multiple charges of grand larceny as a result of these escapades deserves to be crowned queen. Thank you, Miss Delvey (though not your real name) for being an inspiration and the greatest subject of longform journalism this year.
THE COWBOY EMOJI There’s really no debate about this, it’s just the best emoji out there. It conveys a whole range of emotions within that humble smile and 10-gallon Stetson. If anything, the only improvement that the Unicode Consortium could make would be to add a cowboy hat to the entire emoji keyboard.