We get it. You’re withering away under quarantine. You’ve taken all this time to hole up inside your room, look up all the ways to trick your professors into shutting their computers down, and make stupid memes about the virus, even though we warned you that it was a bad idea. Now the only problem left is the new reality you have before you: you’re a greasy, lonely bastard, and coronavirus has only made everything worse.
You might tell us, it’s hopeless! You can’t talk to other adults, you can’t very well leave the house — not that you were planning on it before — and you don’t have anyone to quarantine with. It seems that, even if you don’t get sick, your fate is to watch your heart and your genitals completely shrivel up.
Well, that’s where you’re wrong!
There’s a bright side to this lockdown, because you’re living in the 21st century and the student body at the University of Texas at Dallas is made up of introverted nerds. That’s right. The power of technology can help a sad sack like you achieve the impossible, and find someone to talk to you outside of school. No matter what kind of colorful personality and geeky interests you may possess, the mega-Chads at AMP have taken the time to curate a few surefire “modest proposals” to get you coupled with a Comet in no time:
- Before you ask, no, we don’t have any advice on seducing Temoc. We know he keeps posing for all those fantastically sexy calendar photos, and he obviously puts effort into his appearance… but the guy friendzones everyone he comes across. We wish we were kidding. A few of us asked him on a date last month, only for him to cheekily put his hands up to his face before moving on to his other fans. You can’t make a long-distance relationship work with someone like that.
- If you’re really hung up on him… maybe if you beg us enough, we’ll start selling a Temoc body pillow for you to love and cherish as though it were the man himself. But only if you beg us enough, and only if you promise not to get too freaky with it.
- Invite literally anyone for a romantic dinner on campus. When they respond with some buzzkill reply like, “they closed down the Panda Express and the Chick-Fil-A” or “aren’t there Covid-19 restrictions in the dining hall?”, that’s your time to flip the script. Take them to Dining Hall West, sit six feet away from your sexy fellow student, and impress them with both your desire to be around them and your physical, but not emotional, distance. If you eat a vegetable in front of them, that’s considered bonus points. Avoid talking about the coronavirus for five minutes straight and you can start making plans to move in together.
Note: This only works if, by the time of publication, they haven’t closed down the dining hall.
- Stream the memeiest movies you can find. We’re talking the Shrek series, Bee Movie, and maybe a viewing of Austin Powers if you’re feeling particularly randy. (I personally recommend Frozen II, if you really want to hate yourself.) Ask everyone you know if they want to watch them with you online, and tell them to invite their friends to the stream. Congratulations, this is basically the equivalent of a nerdy college party. Make relevant movie references to assert your dominance in the stream chat. You got this.
- If you’re a League of Legends player, or play a similarly engrossing fantasy game, this one’s for you. Play every single day of quarantine, and in all chats, search for another UTD member. You can do this by yelling out key words, like “Enarc,”“whoosh,” or “Temoc” and praying that you are not alone. In 30 years, you will find true love.
- If you still have a job in this miserable economic climate and are at least 18 years of age, try finding women who have accounts on a website called OnlyFans. You may have to bribe them every month, but you will instantly have a safe, non-committal, and low-effort sugar daddy relationship with the girl of your dreams. That’s money you’d normally spend on a date with a girl you might not even like, whereas on OnlyFans, you get a sense of certainty and you help support the adult entertainment industry. The only problem is that she doesn’t even know you exist outside of your monthly contributions, but hey, dignity is more expensive than satisfaction.
If you’re completely lacking in social gambits, send one of those annoying “reply all” emails to everyone at the University of Texas at Dallas. It won’t work, but you might feel a little bit less lonely when everyone’s yelling at you for self-promoting on the email chain.
Christy Lazutkin (atec | junior)
Welcome to Hell, I will be your host.