Love is in the air! And just like any airborne affliction, you’ll get over it. Or die, I guess. Either way, this February is the perfect opportunity to learn how to say goodbye, and when it’s your heart on the line, you’re better off beating your valentine to the punch. Waste the next 10 minutes of your day here with me, and I’ll teach you how to drop your date like no other magazine could.
When to Break Up with Someone
Every break-up is special, and it pays to know when and why you’re making such a big decision. Thankfully, a childhood built by Disney princess magic gave me the true love expertise to know that if it’s meant to be, you’ll know! And therefore, the moment the sparkle in their eye stops twinkling is obviously the moment you know you should break up with your significant other. A love that lasts is a love that’s instant and flawless; as soon as you dislike anything in your relationship — from the way they pronounce “gif” to a lack of devoted 24/7 servitude to you — it’s time to dump and dip so you can move on to the next big thing.
And keep in mind, your time is valuable! This means you should date and split up as soon and as often as possible to optimize your search for your eternal soulmate.
Ways to Break Up
Tried and true, a good break-up text never fails to send the message. While indirect and usually considered disrespectful, texting gives you all the freedom to say whatever you want, as casually as you want, with plenty of distance from your soon-to-be-ex so you don’t have to see their stupid face cry. Have fun with it! Throw in some jokes or memes, list out all the dozens of grievances you have with them in a terrifying super-paragraph that spares them no dignity, and tell them all about how you’re sleeping with their best friend(s). It doesn’t matter, because you don’t have to look at them or discuss anything — which is especially true if you block them before they can respond.
Also, the text doesn’t have to be a text, if you don’t want it to be. Anything that keeps to one-sided communication with distance works; try a hand-written letter, an etch-a-sketch portrait of them in the garbage, or even putting herbicide in their grass for the extra personal touch a phone can’t provide.
Throwing a Tantrum
Contrary to the tactful nature of a message written in dead grass, tantrums are a fantastic way to spread the word of your break-up far and fast. Pick a spot that’s public, on the quieter side, and open. Parks, restaurants, and libraries are your friend. When you and your partner are in position, pick a fight about something glaring in your relationship — like how they keep asking you to stop watching Andrew Tate, or insist upon having social connections that aren’t you — and find an opportunity to escalate. Kick, yell, and spit in their face as you tell them you’ve never had any respect for them and spout out every one of their insecurities and flaws for all the world to hear. For some extra flair, find something nearby to throw or break, and come up with some explanation of how important you are if the cops come poking around. If you do it right, a sizable audience should be standing in shock around you, clearly appalled at your ex’s horrible relationship skills, and you’ll be able to march your way out of the sea of people single and unbelievably vindicated.
Relationships take sooooo much effort, but breaking up can be hard, too. Therefore…don’t! A common solution to accidentally catching feelings for someone you don’t take seriously, recovering from an embarrassing moment, or straight-up boredom, ghosting serves as a staple break-up tool for the modern dater. Simply stop talking to the person you’re seeing and move on with your life, and it’ll all work itself out. Probably.
Your ex might try to approach you with some lame sad loser ideas of “closure” or “common decency” or “confronting your issues like a responsible human being.” Do your best to ignore them, but if it makes it easier you can try moving out of town, changing your name, and undergoing plastic surgery to avoid the terrifying prospect of a difficult conversation.
Words from the wise: if you never begin a relationship, then you never have to break up in the first place. Go out, have a blast, and do all the things a couple would do, but when a month goes by and your date wants to go official, dodge all the questions to keep your guilt-free fun label-less and casual. Maybe you’re leading someone on, but maybe it’s just easier not to care!
Situationships are also nice because if you ever decide to slide back into a person’s life, you never technically broke up, so they aren’t allowed to be mad. Ambiguity makes it easy and simple to hit up an idiot for a good time, disappear for a while, and come straight back whenever you feel like it without any remorse or obligation. The hard part is making sure they don’t figure out that you never actually intend to start a relationship with them, especially as time goes on. However, once you’re done with them, the line “I’m not actually able to handle a serious relationship” is the most you’ll ever need.
Breaking Down the Incompatibilities in a Mature and Constructive Way with the Understanding that While Not Every Relationship is Permanent Each Can Still Be Valuable and It’s Not Always Anyone’s Particular Fault That It Didn’t Work
BAHAHAHAHA no I’m just kidding around.
If all else fails, you can always look back to the classics, such as straight icing a fool like women did before divorce became socially acceptable. The best methods are discrete and allow for easy cover-up of your latest failed relationship, such as poison, arson, or an unfortunate accident in the shower. This works best when married to somebody rich, but stay aware of how much suspicion you might draw when you have something to gain.
And with that, congratulations! You’ve successfully dumped your valentine, and now you’re ready to enjoy the single world again. Thing is, the single life’s kind of lonely, isn’t it? Hmm. Maybe you should give your ex a call….