So like. Last month was a doozy, huh?
Here’s the drill. We’re gonna run down the list of crazy shit that happened recently in a fashion that we can (and will) plausibly call satirical. You’re gonna go, “Huh? What? What do you mean by that?” And then we’re gonna go “byeeeeeee~ ^w^ <3” and then we’re all gonna continue with our day like everything is perfectly normal until we meet again in an ICE detainment center, go missing, and are inconspicuously wiped from all of the government’s records. Cool? Cool.
Charlie Kirk started identifying as a water fountain. The U.N. attempted to assassinate Trump via escalator. Israel attacked a humanitarian aid flotilla en route to Palestine, which they probably intend to blow up alongside the rest of Palestine anyway. Tylenol causes autism now. A mysterious statue depicting Trump and Epstein’s fabulous friendship showed up in front of the White House. Elon Musk is in the Epstein files. The box thing in the Plinth that that one UTD frat does every year that’s totally not a hazing tactic got shut down in the evenings instead of running 24/7 like usual (which is conveniently unrelated to the fact that “Free Palestine” was on the side in spray paint). If you are trans you may or may not be allowed to pee in public restrooms in the state of Texas anymore. Other people have been peeing on the buildings on campus in the dead of night like urinary vigilantes. The rapture happened and you got left behind. Someone shot ICE detainees in Dallas with bullets that said “Anti-ICE,” which were definitely not planted by the FBI. The FBI has also claimed the Charlie Kirk shooter 100% got seduced by trans Lady Macbeth to… win the gun debate. Trans people also killed your grandma. Trump told the military via social media they’re allowed to fire on civilians in Portland now. The most annoying person you know is going to try to argue that’s not true. Tucker Carlson of all people is doing an investigative series into how Bush did 9/11 under orders from Israel. Jimmy Kimmel got taken off-air by the president for deciding not to mourn a Nazi, then promptly got reinstated because Disney loves money ever so slightly more than it loves fascism. And finally, nothing bad can happen; it can only good happen.
Did you get all that? No? Neither did we.
Happy Halloween, Comets.
byeeeeeee~ ^w^ <3