Recently, I have come under fire for some of my actions. People have gotten deeply upset, and my superiors at work are threatening to fire me. Sure, apologizing is the only way to keep my job, and it’s questionable that I only decided to apologize after I was threatened with consequences for my actions. However, I’m being super honest and sincere when I say this: I’m very sorry for my actions. I have somehow miraculously completely changed my mindset and lifestyle now and changed entirely as a person. Sure, I’m only apologizing for the one event people know about, and it’s likely I have done worse things prior that nobody knows about, but I apologized and now you have to forgive me until I do some other heinous act, where I will then apologize and avoid all consequences again.

However, nobody has thought of how hard this has been for me. People online have been calling me very mean names, and it’s honestly very hurtful. It doesn’t matter what you think of me, there is no excuse for being so mean to me. Can you even imagine? People being mean on the internet? Impossible. This is too cruel for a man like me. And nobody cares about the good I’ve done! All they talk about is the bad. Last week, I gave a homeless man one dollar before calling the police to get rid of him. Is anyone talking about how charitable I was then? No.

Additionally, can you really blame me? How was I supposed to know that somebody was recording me on that street? I was simply minding my business, yet somebody was recording me from afar! They’re the bad guy here, recording a random citizen. That sounds like an invasion of privacy if you ask me. Sure, they just so happened to record me drop-kicking that small child, but they didn’t have any context and didn’t understand the situation at all. Sure, I was then seen tweeting about how they had it coming later that day, but that’s not relevant here either- people can post whatever they want online, so you can’t criticize me for that. And everyone was so quick to pass judgment on me, but never stopped to ask about why I did it. How does anyone really know that the small orphan child was in the right here? See, I had good reason to do so. I had just bought myself some candy from the store, and on my way home this little gremlin dared to walk up to me with their dirty little orphan hands, and ask if they could “please have some candy?” This is absolutely insane, and a horrible anti-American act. I bought myself that candy with my hard-earned money. Do you know what sharing candy with the underprivileged sounds like? Socialism. 

That child had succumbed to the socialist propaganda taught in our schools that “sharing is caring” and was going against everything capitalism stands for and, in turn, everything America stands for. That child was spreading socialism in our glorious nation. I was just teaching that child about the evils of socialism and why they shouldn’t be relying on the kindness of strangers. That leech is already living in an orphanage paid for with taxpayer money, they should be grateful that they don’t live in the streets. It is not my job to take care of every little whim that they have or to make their lives easier. That child should have pulled themselves up by the bootstraps, gotten a job, and made money to buy their own candy, just like my parents taught me when I was growing up in our Los Angeles mansion. Yeah, the child would struggle with finding a job, since they were a five-year-old cripple walking with crutches, but they simply had to turn their mindset into a grind-set and make that money anyways. Children in foreign countries do it all the time! I saw thousands of them when my dad took me to his company’s factories in Somalia. That child needed to be taught the importance of capitalist values, and I was simply providing that lesson, me being the good citizen that I am. I saw a post online asking, “Oh my god, why would that man [referring to me] kick a small 5-year-old crippled child, before then saying, ‘yeah, go tell your parents! Oh, wait, you can’t, because they didn’t love you, and that’s why they left you at an orphanage, you little ingrate!’ What reasons could a man have for doing something like that?” I am grateful that at least somebody was interested in my reasoning. I wish more people at least attempted to understand my point of view. Society these days can be so unfair and intolerant to simple, rational thought.

So, clearly, I’ve explained my actions were justified because they were in pursuant to stop the spread of socialism. However, I know that many found them a bit harsh and cruel anyways. And to that, I simply say, do you want communism to invade this country? No. That’s what I thought. I am protecting the American way and doing what must be done, and other people simply don’t understand that. But I am sorry anyways. Sorry that all of you are so blind and ignorant that you can’t see how I’m in the right, that none of you contain the intellectual capacity to understand this. I’m sorry that my actions hurt your sad little feelings. I didn’t know society was so sensitive nowadays! Now that I have apologized, I can return to my important work of running that orphanage again, and I promise, I won’t get caught treating the children living there under my care like that again. And if I do get caught, I promise to apologize again.