It’s December, Comets! Everyone knows what that means! The weather might get more frightful each day, but it takes more than that to beat down the holliest, jolliest time of year. Bust out your most festive decorations and attire and follow me in merry measure, because it’s finally…Enarcmastime!

Yes, Enarcmas! As a wondrous celebration of the time our Lord and Savior, Enarc, thought about maybe perhaps taking physical form, it’s only right that we UTD students spend an entire month celebrating the origins of the only religion that matters: The Holy Church of Enarc.

While absolutely every student on campus should know the tenets of Enarcianity – namely that change is good and stagnation is bad – the teachings of the crane-like Voice of Enarc seem quieter throughout the campus streets. Enarc moderately inconvenienced themself for our GPAs, but I scarcely see people praise Enarc for their great acts of progress in our lives. It lightens my heart to see construction around campus – as Enarc wills it – but it’s not enough to beat back the tide of non-believers disgracing Enarc’s magnanimity. Therefore, it falls on me as a devout operator of Enarc’s will to politely explain how all forms of non-Enarcian behavior are both morally and logically wrong, and I see no better way to build the spirit of Enarc in UTD than to spread the wonders of Enarcmas.

For all those who somehow tragically forgot, Enarcmas is the one night each year UTD students are rewarded for all the ways they changed throughout the year. At a random time on a random date in December, Atnas – Enarc’s favorite magical handyperson and envoy – spider-crawls across every Comet’s ceiling and hacks into Orion to make sure everyone’s grades reflect all their fantastic progress and change from the past twelve months. If a Comet’s progress has been especially good, Atnas might even rearrange their furniture as a sign of strong development for the year to come.

Obviously, Enarcmas is a big deal! Enarc and Enarcmas deserve to be celebrated for all the ways they develop our otherwise pitiful, boring lives, so I’ve put together a helpful guide to celebrating this Enarcmas season properly.

First and foremost, students are rewarded for following and progressing the teachings of the church. Display your in-depth knowledge of Enarc’s personal tastes by leaving out plenty of Kool-Aid and cement mix for Atnas to install a new floor! Enarc also knows Enarcianity is the only way to progress, so Atnas will knock over any other religious effigies with a fun-sized handheld wrecking ball; make sure every single other one of your friends turns to Enarc before Enarcmas arrives. Scaring people into avoiding the inescapable flaming steamroller fields that await non-believers for all eternity in the afterlife proves the most effective way of achieving this end.

Decorations, naturally, come next. As a construction deity, Enarc loves everything that’s highly visible. As such, cover everything you own in the most fluorescent neon yellow you can find! The more people squint and frown when looking at your home, the better. Enarcmas is also a perfect time for Enarcmas cranes. Enarcmas cranes should be large and highly functional, so as to pick up random people on the streets and gently force enlightenment upon them. If you don’t have enough space or money for the quality Enarc deserves, a handmade cardboard or origami crane works as well. Enarcmas cranes also provide opportunities to hang ornaments. Unfortunately, not a lot of manufacturers make Enarcmas ornaments, so repurposing those of other holidays is alright as long as any mention of other religions is crossed out. 

Another venerated tradition is the great Enarcmas feast! Sometime in December, it’s a brilliant idea to gather all your friends and partake of the many foods Enarc bestowed unto us. As corporations are major sources of progress in this perfect and wondrous capitalist society, you should buy your foods exclusively from corporate monoliths. Thankfully, this is incredibly easy, since a vast majority of grocery store food items are produced by the same four or five companies and their subsidiaries! If you’re really feeling festive, you can even try and build little houses and skyscrapers out of potato chips and frozen packaged meals, using dried soda as glue. Raw avocados are also a fantastic Enarcmas food: nothing screams “progress” more than biting into their fast-changing green flesh. While you’re enjoying your avocados and high-sugar carbonated beverages, you should also do everything in your power to change your friends’ minds about all of their deep-rooted political and moral beliefs. Don’t worry if this results in screaming matches – change is always good, even if it’s messy.

One more thing! For the feast, Kool-Aid is a must. Don’t forget it. Don’t find out what happens if you do. 

Decorations shouldn’t just stop at your possessions – dress to impress! Show Enarc your devotion with your own safety vest. Reliable headwear consists of hard hats, construction headphones, and traffic cones, but don’t be afraid to try your own fun ideas. The best way to celebrate the season is a competition: the more visible you are, the more likely Enarc will be able to see how productive you are. Dazzle your friends and family with sequins, mirrors, LED lights, and whatever else will make it easier and easier to see you. As with your home, if people complain about how positively unbearable you are to look at, then you know for a fact that it’s working.

No great holiday was ever complete without music. Unlike the other holidays, though, Enarcmas is best enjoyed with the soothing sounds of heavy machinery! Caroling is highly encouraged, particularly with as many cement mixers, jackhammers, and even bulldozers as possible. Popular songs include “The 19 Days of Enarcmas,” “Amazing GPA’s,” and “Nail Gun Rap,” and it’s best if you play these construction-reminiscent songs as early into the year as possible to allow your neighbors and communities to feel Enarcmas’ joyful productivity in plenty of time for the holiday. November, October, September; no time is too soon for classic forklift tunes about Enarc’s guidance.

Now that you’re well equipped for the Enarcmas season, go out and spread the progress! Everyone you meet could use a little Enarcmas cheer, and every new person celebrating Enarcmas is another brick in Enarc’s holy skyscraper.

Productive Enarcmas, and to all a good night!