WARNING:
ANY NON-AUTHORIZED PERSONNEL ACCESSING THIS FILE WILL BE IMMEDIATELY TERMINATED THROUGH ERIK-JOHNSON MEMETIC KILL AGENT. PROCEEDING WITHOUT PROPER MEMETIC INOCULATION WILL RESULT IN ENROLLMENT IN COMPUTER SCIENCE COURSES FOLLOWED BY UNEMPLOYMENT.
MEMETIC KILL AGENT ACTIVATED
CONTINUED LIFE SIGNS CONFIRMED, PLEASE TAKE A SHOWER
REMOVING SAFETY INTERLOCKS
Welcome, Overseer Moghe. You have been selected to succeed Overseer Benson in the ADM1N Council, the UTD Foundation’s highest level of administration. As you already know, the location referred to as “The University of Texas at Dallas” is obviously not a real university, but a containment site established to accommodate a wide variety of anomalous items and entities that may prove dangerous to the general public. It is our duty to guide the site and ensure the continued achievement of the foundation’s goals: Understand, Tranquilize, Defend. You may have already encountered some of the more apparent anomalies, such as UTD-087 “The Intangible Football Team” or UTD-2025 “The Art Museum That Exists For Some Reason,” but there are some subjects onsite that only those with ADM1N clearance are aware of. That brings us to the purpose of this dossier — to inform you of our most important anomalous subject onsite. If this entity were to be left unattended, the result would be a XK-Class End of the World scenario. So, take care and read well, Overseer. The future of the foundation rests in your hands.
Item #: UTD-256 | Hazard Rating: CECILGREEN (Apocalyptic)
Special Containment Procedures: UTD-256 is to be kept inside a heavily-protected dormitory room in Site Andromeda. At any given time, an array of weaponry will be trained on the entity’s quarters. In the event of a security breach, the entity will be terminated through the use of the arsenal, which includes hundreds of Stinger missiles, several tankers of napalm, a replica of Fat Man, and a classically-trained phalanx of legionnaires. Under normal conditions, UTD-256 is to be provided with a steady supply of G-Fuel and Great Value-brand taquitos for sustenance*. All personnel stationed at UTD-256’s enclosure are required to wear noise-cancelling headphones to prevent the cognitohazard emitted by the entity from taking effect.
*Researchers have attempted to introduce the entity to a more holistic diet, but upon eating a piece of broccoli the entity screamed, fell over, and curled up into a ball.
Description: UTD-256 is a male humanoid entity in its late teens hailing from █████ ███ and is superficially identical to other computer science students enrolled in the university. The entity’s anomalous traits manifest when it speaks to anyone, at which point the other speaker will realize that UTD-256 is really, really goddamn annoying. While being incredibly irritating in and of itself is generally not sufficient enough reasoning to keep UTD-256 under heavy containment, the entity’s ability to piss off just about any person, animal, or inanimate object it comes into contact with is a topic of great interest for foundation researchers. The following log is a compilation of conversations the entity has had with various subjects.
Testing Log:
Subject: Random passerby.
Conversation topic: Food.
Result: The passerby sighed, turned around, and walked away.
Subject: The entity’s government professor.
Conversation topic: How discrete math allows the entity to see through society’s lies.
Result: The professor was left aghast and failed the entity out of principle.
Subject: Bear.
Conversation topic: The entity tried to explain the concept of programming pointers in C++.
Result: The bear mauled the subject.
Subject: Stone.
Conversation topic: The entity discussed the economy.
Result: After thorough investigation, it was determined that the stone had moved 2 cm in the opposite direction.
Subject: Fellow computer science major.
Conversation topic: The entity discussed “the huzz.”
Result: The conversation quickly shifted to the topic of [DATA EXPUNGED] and made everyone listening want to kill themselves, so we’re still counting it as exhibiting the anomaly.
Researchers have conducted an interview with UTD-256 to try and determine the root of the little shit’s abilities.
Addendum UTD-256: Interview
[BEGIN LOG]
Researcher: Hello UTD-256, welcome to the interview!
UTD-256: Hi, I am looking for an internship in—
Researcher: (Pauses) What are… you doing?
UTD-256: I’m giving my elevator pitch.
Researcher: This… isn’t that kind of interview. I just wanted to ask how you’re doing. Is everything alright?
UTD-256: Yes, and this ties into how I’m a good candidate for an internship.
Researcher: Uh — once again, wrong kind of interview. Let’s see, uh, school, how’s it—
Entity rises from their chair and pulls out a resume from an unknown location.
UTD-256: Can you give me any feedback on this?
Researcher: NO! Uh, do you have any hobbies besides (checks notes) playing video games?
UTD-256: No.
Researcher: What do you do then?
UTD-256: Eh.
Researcher: I… think we’re done here. (leaves room)
Footage of the room after the interviewer leaves reveals the subject sitting still staring at the wall for minutes on end.
[END LOG]
If the entity were released, the public would have to interact with it, which just sucks. To that end, the foundation is taking all actions necessary to ensure that UTD-256 never sees freedom. The entity is myopic to an extreme degree, with no interest in the arts and certainly none in the outdoors. It merely exists. To ensure that this ideology, the root of its aggravating nature, doesn’t spread, the foundation is taking all precautions to avoid its release.
Update: Containment Breach
The condition has spread to the majority of ECS students. Welp, I had a good run. I’m retiring now.
— Overseer Benson
