Hey. It’s me, Merika Mirk, the wife of the late, great Messiah of beautiful American Ideals©, truther Marlie Mirk and also a triple degree holder, which isn’t as important as the fact that I am a Wife and Mother. But now my husband is fucking dead. He fucking died. He was shot in Utah and he fucking died.
I am beside myself with grief. I truly loved him with all my heart. I appreciate your headcanons about me and my children being there and witnessing the man we all loved die in this incredibly gruesome way, but I want you to know that while the RADICAL LEFT might tell you that you’re delusional, I was, in fact, there. Spiritually, at least. I prayed really hard for no reason whatsoever and, through God’s grace, my spirit was sent to Utah Valley University (to which I said to Jesus, “Sick! I love Mormons!”) and I tried to stop the bullet because I couldn’t bear to see my husband die from a bullet that read “*notices bulge* OwO what’s this?”
So yeah, I’m not doing super well. And in order to heal, I need you to send me $100 today or I will kill myself in an act of politically motivated grief.
Who would do this to him? Who would shoot my gun-loving, everything-else-hating husband? Did he say that gun violence was an unfortunate consequence of upholding the Second Amendment? YES. But he clearly was referring to, like, kids dying, not himself. Were his dying words implying that gun violence is the fault of minorities? ALSO YES. We just didn’t think anyone would actually shoot him. We, as righteous, always-peaceful conservatives, MUST seek justice for my dead, dead husband. Obviously, the first plan of action is to blame other people. And who would want my beloved-by-nobody-except-maybe-Mandace-Mowens husband to die except the Left? The evil Left? The stupid, ugly fucking Left? The RADICAL LEFT, THE WOKE MOB. THE ANTIFA RUFFIAN who SHOT MY HUSBAND must PAY for his ACTIONS (because he was probably one of them). We must HANG “THEY/THEM” in the public square. WE MUST RUN THEM OVER WITH OUR CYBERTRUCKS. I unfortunately cannot participate because my Cybertruck self-combusted when it gained sentience after learning about my husband’s passing. It couldn’t stand to live in a world without my beautiful Aryan husband, and neither can I. Not unless you send me 150 dolla —
Wait. Hold on. Apparently the shooter is White. This fucking sucks, guys. We can… we can work around this. He was probably radicalized BY THE WOKE MOB. I hear reports that he had a trans roommate, and by trans I mean a roommate who had gaming headphones with cat ears on top. And everyone knows that cats are for girls, so checkmate LIBS. I cannot believe this poor, innocent, WHITE boy was CORRUPTED by the MALEVOLENT FORCES of the GAY AGENDA. So, I don’t really feel that bad and still I think we should hang him for being gay and shooting my husband — but, to be honest, he should mostly just be hanged for the gay thing. The Bible says Adam and Eve, not Adam and STEVE. Trust me, I Sparknotes’d the Bible once and there was NO MENTION of a man named Steve.
What? The shooter was raised Republican? Fuck. Goddammit. How could one of our own BETRAY his benevolent majesty, Donald J. Trump (whose beauty pageant I was in, by the way — once Miss Arizona, always Miss Arizona!), and do this to my large-brained husband? My cranially blessed beloved! I can’t live like this. I have to kill myself… but you can stop me by donating $200 to the link on my Truth Social account.
But all of that doesn’t matter. The woke mob is going to cancel him anyway. I also can’t kill myself, but thanks to your money, I canto carry on my husband’s wonderful legacy of debating college students as they go to class and giving the most annoying, disenfranchised White people on every college campus a space for congregation. They cannot be silenced, but they probably couldn’t shut the fuck up beforehand about their awful Star Wars takes anyhow; really, I’m just giving them something else to talk about. I’m re-educating the masses, the annoying, White masses, and showing them just how unwoke a woman can be — which shouldn’t matter because feminism isn’t real. Please donate $500 to TPUSA. The proceeds will go to his greatest supporters, such as: the sexy, handsome, accomplished Donald J. Trump (and JD Vance, I guess), half of all Indian men on Twitter, and also Benjamin Netanyahu. Don’t look into that one too much. He’s just a really empathetic guy.
Sincerely,
Merika Mirk
