So, the state of Texas doesn’t want you to piss. Maybe you’re transgender and, as of December 4th, will no longer be able to legally piss where you should. Maybe you’re perceived as gender-nonconforming and the general political climate of Texas has emboldened people to challenge your right to piss in peace. Maybe you’re just an ally like me and understand that a state willing to sacrifice the safety of the marginalized for the comfort of the privileged is not a state that deserves any respect, and an institution that favors bellyrubs from the governor over protecting its students is similarly deserving of mockery. Whatever your reason, I’ve compiled a list of places you can piss, arranged by difficulty. Go get ‘em, Comets. 

Easy: Anyone could do these. These are all either completely legal or in JSOM, where I’m not convinced the law applies anyways. 

• ECSW: In addition to the single-stall restrooms that also have showers for those who might really need it, the building itself is made of a glass with similar absorptive properties to a porcelain urinal — which is to say, it was basically designed to be pissed on. If you want a longer-lasting impact, stroll on over to the sandstone of ECSS for your golden shower (although I’m not sure you’d actually be changing the stench all that much).
• The gender-neutral restrooms in the basement of the science building: these also have showers, and I’m thinking the physics grad students might actually use them (CS majors, take note). To clarify, this is the Science Building, which is the center where you learn about science (not to be confused with the science learning center). It’s the building with all the physics labs (not to be confused with the physics building, where all the music is.) 
• JSOM lobby: Naturally, the perfect place to do your business. There are a few different places you could reasonably call the JSOM lobby, and I’m purposely not specifying which I’m talking about. Go wherever your heart takes you. Ideally multiple times. 

Medium: This is now getting into public territory, but that shouldn’t be much of a deterrent for the people of this fine university — as any number of news stories from the past year have shown (including but not limited to dismantling and reinstating the track team in the span of 2 days), doing fuckshit and getting caught with our pants down is one of our favorite hobbies. 

• The Spirit Rocks: Ever since 2008, these rocks have been the natural choice for all sorts of expression  My bad gang, I forgot that those got removed when admin decided it would be fun to piss all over the first amendment. Some things never change. There are trees there now, I guess, and they might appreciate the hydration. 
• The Plinth: Every summer, the water in the plinth evaporates, and every fall, Temoc has to fill it back up. As long as you don’t upset the comet-to-human piss ratio too much, everything should be fine. That is what you get misted by, by the way. 
• The reflecting pools: Ditto, but the comet-to-human piss ratio tolerance is much more forgiving. If you haven’t developed the fine taste for it, start here. 

Hard: These require a combination of guts and skill. But you’re not just any pisser — you’re a Comet, damnit, not a coward. This is also the only section where you can score bonus points, which are redeemable at the Cinnabon in the tunnels. 

• TI Plaza: Bonus points for getting the Jack S. Kilby statue. Emotionally, you get extra bonus points if you get the circuit in his hands after failing a circuits exam. 
• The Admin Building: Bonus points if you get up on the roof. In fact, if you can piss those 50 feet up to the roof and not get wet, you get a full-ride scholarship! 
• Enarc: Bonus points if the piss lands in the new student union. This is the highest point on campus, so it takes some real guts. Don’t wait, don’t delay, because the new SU is set to be complete next semester. 

Extreme: When they go low, we aim high. 

• The State Capitol: From the roundabout, head south on University Parkway, east on Campbell, south on North Collins, go south on 75/45 for about 15 miles, exit at 284A, merge on 35 and take that for about 185 miles, take exit 234C, get on the 35 frontage road, turn right onto E 11th, barrel roll out of the car, walk up the steps of the capitol, saunter into the chamber, and start pissing. Given how much the state congress has thought about other people pissing, I’m forced to conclude that they’re probably into that, which means you should be fine.
• Ted Cruz’s mouth: I actually don’t know the most efficient way to get to DC, but that’s irrelevant — just wait for a natural disaster, and there are round trip flights to Greece for under $500 or Cancun for under $200!

Secret: 

• Temoc’s mouth: IDK, maybe he’s into that. Give him some flowers first and let me know how that goes for you.