Good morrow, my fiendish youngins. As you — my fanatic posse — are aware, I love my guns. Ever since the ninth divorce, these babies are the only children I’m legally allowed to touch. And now that Agatha, that fucker, enrolled my real children in a public school (ew) downtown, I’m afraid the WOKE may be spreading. UTD may be next.

Thankfully for all you dipshits, I’m legally contracted to provide insightful advice every month. So when the WOKE reaches campus with a shooting and inevitably escalates thanks to Campus Carry, you’ll be thankful you read my top ten improvised defenses. You’re welcome.

Textbooks

The classic defense against a shooting. That $300 you sunk on that one book freshman year will finally pay off. 

Halal Shack Rice

You may not get much these days, but I guarantee you this stuff is stale enough to block a bullet. 

Construction Sites

Courtesy the Unending Construction, there’s always places to scurry behind for some solid cover. Remember: not even jet fuel can melt steel beams. It’ll be the most use you’ll get out of those scrapyards since they’ll only open the semester immediately after you graduate.

The Power of Time

Now that free speech is banned from 10pm to 8am, I think guns are too? So… just wait it out. I don’t know how the Constitution works. I doubt anyone on this campus does either.

More Guns

Noooooo guys just like imagine if a good guy with a gun was there next time. Like me. If we had more guns, no one would ever shoot a gun. 

Temoc’s Left Pec

It’s hard. Thick. It’s the one place I’d be happy to die.

ECS Buildings

The stench is enough to scare off any would-be shooter. The personalities are enough to realize that no amount of death can save this planet. You will be safe from the WOKE but may die from overexposure to computer science.

Lanyards

Ah, yes, the incoming mandatory ID cards we will all have to wear. Brings me back to high school (derogatory). I actually agree with the administration that this will protect students. You physically cannot shoot up our school without a Comet Card. A perfect use of time and budget.

Temoc’s Right Pec

Honestly, not as bullet-reflecting as the left one but still a meaty choice.

Cheese

This is my absolute last option. My rat ass lost so much in the fifth divorce, but I’d give anything to stop the WOKE. As I always say, it’s worth it to have the cost of, unfortunately, some cheese wheels lost every single year so that we can have the Second Amendment. All cheeses matter.