The following is a transcript of Republican Congressional Representative Holden Bloodfeast’s proposition of bill H.R. 666. A respected bipartisan known for reaching across the aisle, Bloodfeast began working on the bill after witnessing what he referred to as “unpatriotic behavior” from university students while travelling to visit the tragic site of former President John F. Kennedy’s assassination.
[Beginning of Recorded Material]
Rep. Bloodfeast: Thank you Mr. Speaker, and thank you to the good representatives of the House. As many of you know, last weekend I took a trip down to Dallas to visit Dealey Plaza. While there, I decided to visit a local university to connect with the youth. When I got there, however, I was appalled. It had only been days since the anniversary of one of America’s greatest tragedies, but those spoiled university students simply didn’t care. The discourse I overheard from the students about the attacks was not drenched in mourning, but in jocularity. I know not what “frottage” is or how it relates to the towers on that fateful day, but I do know that it doesn’t give the towers’ tragic climax the gravitas it deserves. My bill is intended to foster respect for this calamity in the American people, lest these churlish children take control of the nation and cause it to crash, burn, and melt steel beams.
The first section of my bill will declare the 11th of September a national holiday that the American people can observe in solemnity and woe. And, of course, with every holiday comes festivities. The general populous can spend their day off watching 9/11 specials in their 9/11-embellished houses while eating 9/11-flavored desserts in anguish. They can enjoy, which is to say somberly perform, various commemorative activities like Double Jenga and Prick the Pakistani [pretend to vaccinate children until they find Bin Laden] with the whole family. After they’re done spending time with the family, they can come downtown for the mandatory period of mourning. We’re going to team up with our friends over at Palantir in order to gently foster patriotism and respect in our citizens by ensuring they mourn an acceptable amount alongside their fellow countrymen. Failure by citizens to display spreadeagle sadness for the tragedy of the Tilted Towers will serve as confirmation that the person in question is a potential terrorist, and they will be sent to Guantanamo Bay for reeducation.
Now, my fellow representatives, based on the horror on your faces, I will assume that many of you are concerned about some of the minutia in my proposal so far. But don’t worry; my team has already identified and worked to resolve potential issues with my plan. For instance, the youth simply weren’t around to have that fateful day etched into their memories. The absence of those memories leads to a lack of fear that something like that could happen to them — we need that fright so that we can prepare for any future attacks and defend ourselves by preemptively invading terrorist nations and taking their natural resources. As such, I have taken the liberty to add sections to my bill dedicated to the rebirth of 9/11 in the American psyche.
The only way to give the youth of America the terror of watching 9/11 unfold is for them to have been there. And since that’s not possible, we’re going to have to bring the experience to them. Every year on the anniversary of the attacks, young Americans will be able to witness a reenactment of the events coming to a city near them. They, too, will feel the terror as commercial aircrafts fly into their city’s central business district. Then, with everyone traumatized, we will finally be able to implement our defense plan.
We are going to invade Iraq again. That is our defense plan. We are sending the kids of America to Iraq. There is no particular reason, much like last time. I just think that it’s a missed opportunity if we don’t. We’ve done it before and it went great, so we’ll do it again. The kids will love it. I’ve seen how excited my grandkids get when they play Fortnite, so I’d say they’re ready to spend a fortnight deployed in Fallujah. I would’ve served my country in Vietnam when I was their age, but fate took its course and my broken ankle kept me from the battlefield. Now every night I twist and turn, dreaming about how the war would be different if I had been there. The kids finally have the opportunity to go on their own patriotic crusade in Iraq and save the Western world. And if Iran tries to get involved? We would nuke them. I want to smell their flesh melt. I want to hear their screams. Blood, flesh, sinews, bone… burn… I want them to burn… burn… flesh… burn…
[End of Recorded Material]
At the end of his proposal, Bloodfeast passed out and was quickly rushed to a hospital. House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries had the following to say about Bloodfeast’s proposal:
“Yeah, so uh… yeah, I think that just about every part of that proposal is unconstitutional in some way, shape, or form,” Jeffries said. “But in this political climate, you know, it often becomes obscured that we, uh, should all be working together. Bloodfeast is our friend, you know, noted bipartisan, and when your friend does something bad, you gotta, you know, work your way up, little kisses, suck on the neck a little, and just whisper in their ear, ‘Hey, what’s up man? I personally don’t think we should violate the Constitution, but what do you think?’ But yeah, justice and law always prevail in the end, and I trust that this, uh, that this’ll work out.”
H.R. 666 was passed unilaterally by the House and the Senate and signed into law by President Trump just earlier this month, with Bloodfeast and cosponsors of the bill in attendance. Per several White House aides — all of whom have asked to remain anonymous — the moment Trump finished signing the bill, Bloodfeast’s soul left his body and descended to the deepest reaches of Hell, the only place where it could ever truly be at peace.
