AMP
The Official Student Opinion and Satire Magazine of UTD
Politics
Satire
How to Forge an Iron Fist
How do I rule with an iron fist? This has been the question on every political leader’s mind since humans first took up the practice of agriculture and immediately began schemes to control others. You might think that emulating the decrees of past sovereigns would guarantee you permanent power, but the crucial commonality that unites […]
Satire
Navigating a Situationship
SITUATIONSHIPS: all the cool kids are doing it
Satire
Once You Go Greek, You Don’t Go Back
‘Sup fellow Bromets, the name’s Chaz Hollister, president of Delta Sigma Chi-Square Alpha, the raddest party frat on campus. Now, it’s already October, but I’m still hearing freshies at the Plinth complain that UTD’s social life is dead. And this saddens me dudes, my dad didn’t buy three new buildings and get rid of Green […]
Print Issues
Satire
The Ultimate Handbook to Strike Negotiation
Welcome, welcome! If you’re seeing this, then you’re a production or distribution company dealing with the consequences of the current writer and actor strikes, and either your internal affairs or one of your friendly competitors wants you to do your part in ending the SAG-AFTRA/WGA strikes! No judgment, these things happen. As always, your first […]
Print
Satire
Descent Into Madness: A Beginner’s Guide to FNAF
After years of being passed between studios like a casserole that everyone is too scared to eat but too polite to officially turn away, the “Five Nights at Freddy’s” movie will finally be releasing next month, and it actually looks promising. This is a momentous occasion for fans of the franchise who have been watching […]
Cover Stories
Print Issues
Satire
Concerned Women Against Ibuprofen
As both a wife and a woman, I have considerable insight to offer on any given topic. My areas of expertise include feminism, politics, the environment, a comprehensive history of the American industrial rock band known as Nine Inch Nails, and so forth. A particularly important subject has been brought to my attention as of […]
Satire
Web Exclusives
Vaccines Gave Me Autism and the Pandemic Made Me Trans
I’ll be the first to say it; the childhood-vaccination-to-autism pipeline is old news. Clearly a scientific phenomenon this well-documented has no further need for discussion or deliberation. Take it from me, a fully immunized and fully autistic person. No matter what your peers, professors, and/or medical professionals tell you, there is no such thing as […]
Satire
Web Exclusives
Top Ten Romantic Spots on Campus
In May, flowers bloom and rivers flow. The songbirds chirp away, and petals drift on the wind as the doe have their fawns and the sunsets paint the skies. An inherent romanticism permeates through the air – and I put it there, so that all of you at UTD would read my sweet new list […]
Print Issues
Satire
So You Don’t Want To Live On The Street
Welcome back to “So You Don’t Want To Live On The Street: UT Dallas,” the only game show where you pay us! I’m your host, Utena T. Daniels. Tonight, the stakes are high and the rent is even higher. Will our contestants secure a place on the UTD campus, or will they hang their heads […]
Print Issues
Satire
Cocaine Bear is a Cinematic Masterpiece
Have you ever watched the movie Citizen Kane, after being bugged and nagged by every film buff west of New York to watch “the best movie ever”, and as you’re sitting alone in your tiny apartment with nothing but a half-eaten cup of instant ramen, you wondered, “Huh. What was Rosebud, anyway?” Citizen Kane is […]
Print Issues
Satire
Totally Tubular PRANKZ For AMPril Fools!!!
What IS up, my fellow Comet-brahs! Welcome to my all-new, radical prank showcase: TOTALLY TUBULAR COMET PRANKZ!! And my oh my, isn’t this just the absolute BEST season of the year for some EPIC pranks! That’s right, it’s APRIL FOOLS! A time where each and every one of us Comets can go absolutely wild with […]
Print Issues
Satire
End Tobor Abuse Now
Whether it be through rain, sleet, snow, or hail, Tobors are always there for us during times of hunger and starvation. They are dedicated to a thankless job that gives them no pay — and yet no one seems to acknowledge the mistreatment of these brave Tobors from the students, staff, and the layout of […]