AMP
The Official Student Opinion and Satire Magazine of UTD
Satire
Web Exclusives
Vaccines Gave Me Autism and the Pandemic Made Me Trans
I’ll be the first to say it; the childhood-vaccination-to-autism pipeline is old news. Clearly a scientific phenomenon this well-documented has no further need for discussion or deliberation. Take it from me, a fully immunized and fully autistic person. No matter what your peers, professors, and/or medical professionals tell you, there is no such thing as […]
Satire
Web Exclusives
Top Ten Romantic Spots on Campus
In May, flowers bloom and rivers flow. The songbirds chirp away, and petals drift on the wind as the doe have their fawns and the sunsets paint the skies. An inherent romanticism permeates through the air – and I put it there, so that all of you at UTD would read my sweet new list […]
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Satire
So You Don’t Want To Live On The Street
Welcome back to “So You Don’t Want To Live On The Street: UT Dallas,” the only game show where you pay us! I’m your host, Utena T. Daniels. Tonight, the stakes are high and the rent is even higher. Will our contestants secure a place on the UTD campus, or will they hang their heads […]
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Satire
Cocaine Bear is a Cinematic Masterpiece
Have you ever watched the movie Citizen Kane, after being bugged and nagged by every film buff west of New York to watch “the best movie ever”, and as you’re sitting alone in your tiny apartment with nothing but a half-eaten cup of instant ramen, you wondered, “Huh. What was Rosebud, anyway?” Citizen Kane is […]
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Satire
Totally Tubular PRANKZ For AMPril Fools!!!
What IS up, my fellow Comet-brahs! Welcome to my all-new, radical prank showcase: TOTALLY TUBULAR COMET PRANKZ!! And my oh my, isn’t this just the absolute BEST season of the year for some EPIC pranks! That’s right, it’s APRIL FOOLS! A time where each and every one of us Comets can go absolutely wild with […]
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Satire
End Tobor Abuse Now
Whether it be through rain, sleet, snow, or hail, Tobors are always there for us during times of hunger and starvation. They are dedicated to a thankless job that gives them no pay — and yet no one seems to acknowledge the mistreatment of these brave Tobors from the students, staff, and the layout of […]
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Satire
How to Play D&D Correctly
Welcome, fresh-faced intrepid adventurer! You’re about to embark on a journey every college student dreams of and attempts with shoddily written Reddit posts at the beginning of every semester: playing Dungeons and Dragons! If you’ve made it to this step, you’ve already accomplished more than 99.9% of others, whose D&D fantasies remain in late-night Discord […]
Featured
Features
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Ratford
Satire
Romance with Ratford
Students ask the esteemed love expert, Ratford the Rat, for advice regarding their wooing woes. Q: Would you rather date Temoc, Enarc, or Tobor? A: Bold of you to assume that any of our beloved mascots/idols aren’t hitched already. Q: What makes you feel the most loved? A: Q: How do we rizz? A: Either […]
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Satire
Campus Critter Showdown
Curio Queri: Hello, and welcome to our first annual campus critter showdown! Throughout the month of February, we’ll be conducting a battle of the beasts to determine who will be crowned UTD’s ultimate little guy. I’m your correspondent on the scene, Curio Queri, and I’m here to ask all of YOU who’s favored to come […]
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Satire
Ultimate Guide to Dumping Someone
Love is in the air! And just like any airborne affliction, you’ll get over it. Or die, I guess. Either way, this February is the perfect opportunity to learn how to say goodbye, and when it’s your heart on the line, you’re better off beating your valentine to the punch. Waste the next 10 minutes […]
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Satire
Enarcmas
It’s December, Comets! Everyone knows what that means! The weather might get more frightful each day, but it takes more than that to beat down the holliest, jolliest time of year. Bust out your most festive decorations and attire and follow me in merry measure, because it’s finally…Enarcmastime! Yes, Enarcmas! As a wondrous celebration of […]
Print Issues
Satire
How to Navigate Stan Twitter
You might have heard through the internet somewhere that Twitter was shutting down after being left in the hands of “tech-genius” and (unfortunately) new Twitter CEO Elon Musk for less than a month. Luckily though, that wasn’t the case! Twitter is still up and running, which means you have all the time in the world […]