When most people think of formative gender experiences they’ve had, a video game about humanity’s descent into eldritch-induced madness probably isn’t the first thing that comes to mind. But for myself, I fully believe the action RPG “Bloodborne” tipped the first domino that eventually led to the agendered affront to God before you. Considering the game’s themes of transformation, fate, and humanity’s true nature, it’s difficult for me not to draw parallels to my own experience with gender. That, and I feel an innate sense of kinship whenever I encounter creatures that were certainly never meant to be perceived by human eyes, much like the ones found in the game. They’re just like me for real. Anyway, this is how “Bloodborne” inadvertently made me transgender — sorry for lying to our readership for the past several years, but you need to understand that it was in service of the bit. The bit takes precedent over everything, baby.
Gender is a very wibbly-wobbly concept. We understand it’s a construct in the sense that it’s assigned and performed, but other than that, we don’t entirely understand what it is or why it occurs. As far as I’m concerned, gender is what you make of it. It can matter, but it doesn’t have to. In my case, I’d never felt attached to my gender for as long as I’d understood that we all had one (allegedly). Gender always felt like a weird, arbitrary monolith. It was surreal, like everyone understood this unspoken code except for me. Oddly enough, I was reminded of this feeling when I entered the world of “Bloodborne” for the very first time. In the game’s opening cutscene, you awake on an operating table after a mysterious blood transfusion with no idea who you are or how you got there. You are then immediately greeted by a creature that tries to kill you. This is a lot like the experience of being born (blood borne…?), discovering you aren’t like most of your peers, and realizing how everyone feels about that. Being transgender in our world feels a lot like walking the streets of Yharnam. You aren’t sure what’s going on with yourself or anyone else, but everything in your general area gives the vibe that it would eat you without thinking twice.
“Bloodborne” came out when I was 15, and at that point, I was just beginning to really unravel my sexuality and gender. I’d realized I wasn’t straight, but it felt like there was still a missing piece to the puzzle. After breaking up with my high school girlfriend, I took the following summer to really think about what I wanted. Coincidentally, “Bloodborne” came out that March, and I spent my summer absolutely immersed in it. It’s a game about transformation; nearly every living thing around you has morphed — or is in the process of morphing — into a beast, monster, creature, etc. Later, at 23, I discovered that changing your body and having people look at and treat you differently also makes you feel a bit like a wretched little beastie; go figure! This is both a perk and a downside. On one hand, there’s something extremely cathartic about changing your body and being unapologetic about it, even when some see your work as self-mutilation. The downside is that some people will fear you for it.
I’d be lying if I said I’m not incredibly cautious whenever I’m in a women’s restroom. I’m afraid of looking at someone the wrong way or speaking and making someone feel unsafe because of how deep my voice is. I know I’m not dangerous, but the last thing I want is for people to be afraid of me. If you’re trans, or honestly if you’re visibly a minority in any way, then I’m sure you’re all too familiar with the feeling of being watched. I don’t necessarily feel like I’m being watched every time I’m in the women’s restroom, but I can tell when someone’s eyes are on me. I don’t think it’s malicious usually, but even visible curiosity can be a little intimidating in times like these. It harkens back to how I felt when I began exploring the various locations within “Bloodborne,” feeling innumerable eyes on me at any given moment. No matter where I went, I knew there was always something somewhere watching. Whether it was purely observational or in pursuit was unknown to me, forcing me to trust my instincts. That said, the worst feeling by far is when you can tell someone is uncomfortable because of you. And I get it; I don’t particularly love being around myself either, but I’d be lying if I said it doesn’t sting when I enter a restroom that’s filled with chatter one moment, and completely silent once people see me walk in. Trust me, dude, I’d piss outside if it wouldn’t put me on the sex offender registry, which I’m sure our government would be all too happy to do, but I digress. My point is that being a hunter in Yharnam is basically the same thing as being a boygirl in a gendered restroom, minus the Gregorian chanting — although I suppose that factor depends on what restroom you’re in.
If I could, I would fill this entire 24-page magazine with my musings about “Bloodborne,” but since this isn’t the Mickey Power Hour I just want to reiterate that I feel as though my love of this game and my gender are inextricably linked. Playing, watching, and reading about it in my formative years helped me to, consciously or not, come to terms with my own being. Speaking of which, there’s a special stat in “Bloodborne” called insight, which represents how much inhuman knowledge the player has acquired by exploring the game and defeating enemies. It reveals more challenging enemies with new attack patterns and behaviors, along with new areas and monsters that were previously imperceptible. I feel like this is the perfect allegory for transness. As you explore your own identity, your knowledge of yourself deepens. Listening to the voice in your head can open pathways you otherwise wouldn’t explore, unveiling knowledge that changes your perception of yourself and the world around you. To me, “Bloodborne” is inherently trans in nature. I know this wasn’t the intent of literally anybody on the development team, but I don’t care. It’s the most transgender piece of media to me personally, and that’s valid because I said so goddammit.
