That’s it. We’re done. This is the end of the final issue of AMP this year, and with it, we have officially run out of satire and opinions. The hee-hee ha-ha reserves under the AMP office have finally run dry, forcing us to rebrand into a birdwatching magazine until they replenish to a capacity we can continue to exploit. But we can’t wait! The people are clamoring for more AMP, and the bank’s going to repossess our 8-foot-tall enschlonged, pearl-encrusted marble Ratford statue if we don’t give them what they want. We may have found a solution, however. The cult-classic time-travel film “Primer” was shot in ECS North, and the time machine from the movie remains there to this day. Let’s skip the wait and bring our fans a taste of the AMP of the future…
Ed Desk | Oh god we have to be funny again
By Birdmaster Dick
I’m sorry, everyone. I know our dedicated readerbase has come to expect a quaint publication dedicated to the adorable fledgelings around campus, but something most disturbing has come to our attention. We were having a meeting in the AMP office when a musky aura started emanating from the floors, and everyone began acting… strange. Birdwatcher Jeanine began furiously writing just incredibly milquetoast satire about conservatives. Birdwatcher Atharva crazily scribbled out the beginnings to a strangely hyperspecific opinion piece on pop culture. And Birdwatcher Ali exploded. Yeah, no, it got everywhere. But it was then that I realized our true calling. We’re not A Modest Pirdwatcher anymore, guys. Truth is, we never were. This is AMP, baby. Let’s get back to basics.
Satire | I am a Republican
By Birdwatcher Jeanine
Note: I cried while writing this at the cruelty I had to depict. Please forgive me.
I am a Republican. I love my nation. Another beautiful day in America, which is a nation that has not done anything bad, ever. Not a perfect day, however. Because of WOKE. I run outside, see liberals. I yell at them, “Go away, liberals!” WOKE liberals leave. I stand for the flag. I love gun despite school shootings. I think Donald Trump was a good president despite black hole incident. I see my beautiful child. “How are you, beloved?” I ask them. “Dad, I don’t think I like President Braden “Clavicular” Peters. I’m a Democrat now,” they respond. Pause. WOKE? Now I must patriotically explode them.
Opinion | Why “MAROON” is problematic
By Birdwatcher Atharva
I used to love “MAROON.” It was dark, it was moody, and it was so, so smooth. But then the cracks started to show until I couldn’t avoid them anymore. This is why “MAROON” is problematic.
Like many people, I found myself getting into Home Depot’s Paint Chips series after the Great Blast left all electrical equipment nonoperational. Renowned for its variety, the Paint Chips series has many potential entry points for newcomers, the most popular of which being “RED.” And god, did I love “RED.” While “BLUE” focused on being calming and “YELLOW” was a joyous experience, “RED” was intense and bloodpumping in a way that was simply unmatched. After “RED,” I blitzed through the rest of the series. “PINK” hit a lot of the same notes as “RED,” but the lighter tone made it feel less intense. “PURPLE” was a good mix between “RED” and “BLUE,” though I felt like the two clashed at times. Then I heard about “MAROON.” It was touted as “RED,” but darker, more intense — more sexy. I couldn’t wait.
That brings us to the problem with “MAROON.” It’s too dark. It’s bloody and violent, making no effort to try to tone down those aspects when they stop being in good taste. It’s beyond disappointing for a series I have come to love and cherish.
Breaking News??? | God Emperor Moghe announces annihilation of campus
By Real Journalist
Note: At this point, the news and satire are almost indistinguishable, so we’re throwing this in here too.
According to various sources, UTD is considered one of the unhappiest colleges in the United States, with many left wondering what could be done to brighten up campus. The solution? Give up and let God Emperor of UTD Prabhas Moghe’s antimatter ray handle the rest.
On Sept. 11, 2069, Moghe unveiled plans for the complete and total obliteration of the UTD campus using a state-of-the-art antimatter giga-genocide ray. The ray will be funded by a $5 Annihilation fee added to the tuition of incoming freshmen and will be built where the Athenaeum currently stands, as it remains consistently unvisited. Moghe said that he is eagerly awaiting the construction of the ray.
“I’ve been here for what, 44 years?” Moghe said wearily. “The one thing I’ve learned about Comets [is this]: they don’t wanna be here. And neither do I.”
The plans were met with widespread acclaim, with students and professors alike celebrating the notion of no longer being alive. Interdisciplinary super senior Ratford Roquefort, who was standing outside the ray construction site with a sign reading “I ❤︎ OBLITERATION,” said he is excited to finally be released from campus.
“My ass is not graduating,” Roquefort said with his tiny rat mouth. “If an antimatter ray is what it’ll take to finally leave, then so be it. Come take me, Jesus.”
In addition to being exterminated on campus, long-distance annihilation options will be offered for those who want to be incinerated asynchronously. Computer science senior Muaaz Abed said concerns with the ethics of the ray are overblown, and that while he will miss the friends and experiences he had at UTD, he is ready for this stage of his life to end.
“See you later, suckers,” Abed said. “I’m outta here.”
