Salutations, my ignorant, yet honorable and presumably non-Iranian friend. We are gathered here today to commemorate the 50th anniversary of the day the glorious army of the United States of America liberated us from terror. Our despotic tyrants knew they were no match for the Americans’ badass war crimes and TikTok edits of bombing runs, so they surrendered and were met with holy deliverance (drone strikes). After heroically bombing what was left of Tehran and liberating our natural resources, they gave us the most precious gift of all: their faith. As the Grand Ayatokirk of Iran, it is now my solemn duty to transmit the tenets of our religion to you.
You have no doubt heard of the basis of our faith. In a time of great strife, one man — divinity given flesh — stood up for mankind, only for the wicked to strike him down. But the power of the martyr is stronger than his feeble opponents, and his legacy will erase them from the Earth. Indeed, the legacy of Charlie Kirk, may the second amendment be upon him, will wash over the accursed and render them scattered like sea scum. For the Charlatans — those who walk in the footsteps of Charlie Kirk (2ABUH) — are his will on Earth. And those who spread his word on Earth, those who devoutly serve his TPIran Faith branch, will join him in the great campus debate in the sky.
A good Charlatan must adhere to the many rules and rituals of the Charlatan faith. We have torn down our old shrines and replaced them with true effigies of divine beauty — plastic folding tables and chairs — marked with the icon of our faith, the crosshair. Every Satkirkday, we go to our place of worship, the chirk, and study the extensive recordings of our lord and savior from our divine text: the TPUSA YouTube Channel. As Lord Kirk (2ABUH) said in “Campus Debate: Liberals OWNED #643,” “Lo indeed, I merely want to spark discussion man. Just want to share my viewpoint, dude.” And share our individual viewpoints we shall, as we crusade and strike down the accursed woke left with our steeled circular argumentation, just as he once did.
Beyond the dogma, our faith has had a long and storied history. By the beginning of the war, Charlie Kirk (2ABUH) had already become sanctified in the American consciousness. To even suggest that he was less than an angel would result in complete and total social suicide. Many would recount his everlasting wisdom to justify their ambitions. “Charlie told me, ‘Don’t let Trump declare war on Iran’,” one former White House staffer tearfully recounted. “‘Nuke those damn brownies,’ he said,” another gleefully remembered. Soon the holy war came to an end, and the oppressive theocracy afflicting Iran was dismantled under the sagacious purview of the American Trump administration, who ensured it was replaced with their ideal form of government — a loving Christian theocracy. But the conflict over who truly represented the word of Charlie Kirk (2ABUH) flared ever brighter.
The primary party claiming to be his successor was that of his family, headed by Mother Erica. She interpreted his work through a perspective only one so warmed by His glorious flame could provide. Through her subtle yet fiery insight, she decided that the only way to interpret His word was to unilaterally defer all critical thinking to the current opinion of the larger Republican party. This position was popular with those who ruled the great U.S. of A., who decided to elevate her and her organization, Turning Point, to the orthodoxy of the Charlatan faith.
Soon, Turning Point was trusted by the American government enough to be appointed the de-facto leader of Iran. TPIran now had branches controlling every aspect of Iranian life. TPIran Politics would run the nation’s senate, passing proposals that would change society to meet esteemed American standards; TPIran Faith would lead the nation in mandatory worship, ensuring every Iranian household exhibited a sufficient level of piety; and TPIran Sanitation would take out the trash. Iran quickly became more American than America. The Super 2nd Amendment was soon ratified, requiring Iranians to fire any firearm of their liking at each other, especially guns that fired other guns firing bullets. There would be no more woke, un-American OnlyFans promiscuity where men could leer at random women, so women were forced to cover up (again). There would be no more woke un-American prudery, so women were made to wear micro bikinis under all that getup so that men could leer at them correctly, which is to say under the proper circumstances. Soon the legend of Lord Kirk (2ABUH) turned to faith, and the entire nation took heed to the Charlatan gospel and converted to Kirkuanism when they realized that the two faiths were effectively the same anyway. Aside from the new Charlatan holidays, such as Kirkmas, Kirksgiving, White Ramadan (which is NOT Lent), and Kirking Women’s Day, society remained fairly similar to before, now just Holier and Better; leading us to where we are now. But I would be remiss to ignore the other sects, the Charlatan heterodoxy.
Ignoring minor branches such as the odious TwerkForKirkers, there is another major branch headed by the compatriot of Charlie Kirk (2ABUH), Mistress Owens. She revealed the apocrypha — her texts with the Lord — to the public. She blamed his death on those of the Holy Land, which is still Israel in our faith, among more blasphemy. This has resulted in conflicts between our two sects. These conflicts have escalated into multi-year proxy wars between our great nations which, and I do not take the Lord’s name in vain when I say this, are lowkirkuinely dumb as hell. We must break bread with our fellow Charlatan neighbors and bring peace amongst our brethren.
My dear compatriot; despite all of our disagreements, I hope you can see the light, the core of our faith. All Charlatans are, at the end of the day, beholden to a simple creed: We are Charlie Kirk (2ABUH), we carry his flame; we fight for the Charlatan gospel, we honor his name.
