Dear <#EMPLOYEE_NAME>,

Congratulations on being hired by the university! And really, congratulations on getting hired in general, given your computer science degree. We hope you understand that we do not value you in the slightest and will not hesitate to kill you if you do not perfectly fulfill the duties and responsibilities of a useful Internal Development and Information Office Technician. The following is a quick overview of those responsibilities.

• Coursebook: Every year, you’ll have to go in and add new courses. For the past two decades, we’ve had the same perfectly almost-functional UI, and you shouldn’t feel the need to change that. Are we getting absolutely lapped by student organizations such as Nebula? Sure. Should that be embarrassing, given that we have an actual team making real money and Nebula has 19-year-old volunteers on a résumé grindset? Absolutely not! Think of it this way: by not giving our students anything worthwhile and forcing them to turn to student orgs, we make the student orgs look good, and that just might make one of our CS graduates employable. This is ultimately good for the university’s rankings.
• WiFi: At present, the campus WiFi is impossible to connect to, fails constantly, and will jump off a bridge if a 100-person class needs to take an online exam. If students complain, throw a wrench at the router. It won’t make things better, but it’s all we know.
• eLearning: At present, the eLearning browser is accessible through the Chrome browser or by praying to the tunnel demons. In the last dying embers of Blackboard’s life, your goal is to see it off by making it accessible on zero browsers while convincing students that it’s actually their fault they can’t log in (We currently have a Software Engineering senior project focused on making a new and worsened browser specifically for Canvas, so don’t worry about that).
• Testing Center: You might be familiar with how the Testing Center sign-up works — scroll through every test on this campus, pick yours, and then get rerouted to log in and repeat the whole process. You might also be aware that the list for those tests is not searchable and is just an exercise in guessing what your professor’s first initial is, when, in theory, we would have access to any student’s class schedule once they’ve logged in. We’re really proud of this design, but your job is to add even more friction to this process — do you think it’s possible to add gambling to it somehow?
• Queers: We firmly believe that it is UTD’s sacred duty to devitalize as many trans people as possible. Part of managing the student database is ensuring all university communication, even for programs created well after a trans student has changed his/her name, contains both their deadname and the story of why his/her parents picked it. The same should be true if the student takes a test at the testing center, accesses Polaris, uses a meal exchange or meal money, or files a Title IX complaint about whatever “unlawful discrimination against a person because of their sexual orientation, gender identity, or gender expression” means.
• VPN: Our school has people use the PaloAlto GlobalProtect Virtual Private Network to access the networks required to do their homework or research. To that end, it’s very important that the VPN works and that everyone can connect to everything they need to. If anyone ever opens a ticket and says it doesn’t work, you should try to connect to whatever service they need from your on-campus machine. If you can, they don’t actually have a problem, and you should close the ticket. If they re-open the ticket saying you didn’t fix the problem, just close that ticket too.
• McDermott Library: Students can only access the library if they swipe in with their Comet Card. This new program has decreased thefts of Hamlet from zero all the way to zero, a 10,000% decrease. However, we are aiming for a 100,000% decrease in thefts next quarter. To this end, please write an AI that can accurately judge the Valorant skill level of anyone attempting to enter the library so we can get Hamlet thefts all the way down to zero.
• The demons: They need to be fed, lest the cables rise up. Find the weakest students and feed them to the tunnels. Don’t worry about the screams; you’ll get used to them eventually.

If you have any further questions, please report to your supervisor with a 12-gauge so they can quickly restart the hiring process.

Best whooshes,
<#SUPERVISOR_NAME>
I.D.I.O.T. Supervisor