I’ve been attending🧑🎓 the University of Texas at Dallas☄️☄️ for almost four years.
Here’s what it taught me about returns🤑 on investment📈📈💯:
As a senior Business Analytics & AI major🚀, the lessons the Naveen Jindal School of Management 📚(much love to Mr. Jindal and the BJP🪷!) has taught me aren’t just useful, they’re invaluable.
Beyond just a veneration of Hindu nationalism (I’m white, but what the hell, sure!), I’ve gained many skills — hard and soft🤝, concrete and abstract🤔, marketable🤑, and even more marketable🤑🤑.
1: Hard work is its own reward💪.
As I progress in my Comet journey across the stars💫, I have devoted myself to only the greatest of my passions. My deep, sincere love for product management😎, AI development🧠, and the concept of economics💰 has driven me to become the Treasurer💵 of the Omicron Delta Epsilon — the premier honor society for economics — the Secretary of the Artificial Intelligence Society, and the Vice President of Deliverables for the Supply Chain Management Association🏦. Ever since I was a child, I have dreamed of being a good employee. That’s why I started the Employer Appreciation Society🕴️, where like-minded students can conflagrate🔥 under my exceptional leadership to discuss our far-flung daydreams of one day being the most productive, agreeable product managers we can be😀😀. The effort I put into these isn’t just about building “the perfect resume” (attached in my LinkedIn bio!😉), but about the wonder and beauty of perfecting my craft — productivity. If my resume is more appealing— that’s a happy accident.
2: Invest in people, they’ll invest in you🫂.
I love and cherish all of my 637 connections🤝 on LinkedIn deeply. They are wonderful conversationalists, close friends, and future business partners👯♀️👯♀️. By organizing a bi-yearly check-in with each and every one📆, I am creating a network🌐 of people whom I can rely on as I graduate and move into the professional world. I have the utmost faith🙏 in my peers to go forth and create massive amounts of revenue all over the planet🌎. By investing my time and attention into these people now, I have planted seeds that will one day blossom🌻 into a beautiful forest 🌲of references, connections, and “ins” that covers the globe.
Investing in the right people is important. Like any good investment, choosing the right place to spend your resources is crucial. All of my relationships discuss important, stimulating topics like making AI do more of their work🏦, schmoozing with defense contractor CEOs🏦, and maximizing shareholder value🤑. By cultivating relationships with like-minded go-getters🫡, I practice both discernment that may one day come in handy as a portfolio manager💼 and ensure that I am surrounded by only the most agentic, productive leaders in the industry📈.
3: Everything is an investment.
As a child, I used to paint. I spent years getting art supplies as gifts — watercolors🎨, usually. I loved watching the colors bleed into each other to create something richer than their parts, evoking the sense that I was not creating an image so much as drawing out the desires of the paints themselves onto the page🖼️. So, as part of my application to become Marketing Director of the Small Business Owners Association, I opened up an Etsy to sell my art as commissions. Merging my love of watercolor🧑🎨 with my love of productivity has opened my eyes to the possibilities of marrying the personal to the professional. My extensive and well-honed time management skills ⏱️quickly kicked in — I simply did not have the time to dedicate myself to meeting the demands of my fast-beloved Etsy page🛜. However, growing up, my mother always gave me one piece of advice: “Never let a client down🫡,” which I keep with me always. So, in order to streamline the process, I outsourced the production of the art pieces to the AI chatbot, Claude (chosen because it sounds the most like an artist’s name👨🎨). Now production is higher than ever, and my profits are through the roof🛖. As a self-starter, these are the kinds of problems I am used to solving, and problems I hope to solve at Goldman-Sachs, from whom I expect to hear back any day now.
4: Fuck.
Goldman-Sachs rejected me. What am I supposed to do now, accept my offer from J.P. Morgan? No one worth talking to works there😴. I don’t understand how this happened. I have spent every minute of every day trying to make this work. My resume was perfect! (Link still in bio.) I met nothing people🤝, joined nothing clubs🗣️, and started nothing companies🎩. I turned my somethings into nothings, hoping they would transmute back into a future I could be proud of, but all I have is what I gave myself — a hollowness I cannot fill with a Roth IRA or ChatGPT life plan. I burned my present to light the fire of the future, but the fire🔥 is so much smaller and dimmer than I could have imagined, and I am so cold🥶. What have I done? There is nothing around me, nothing in front of me that can justify the ways I have sacrificed parts of myself to an uncaring god of profit🫵. This was supposed to be delayed gratification, but there is nothing gratifying about not winning🥇.
5: There’s nothing left.
I am so completely devoid of meaning. The only passion I have left is success, and it will never love me back. I can’t drop out. My parents worked so hard to get me here; everyone expects such great things of me. I can’t disappoint them by giving up on school, but I just can’t keep going. There is no joy, no satisfaction left on this earth for me. I have no friends. My family would never understand. I don’t even have myself — I gave that away a long time ago.
There’s nothing here for me. Not at the Naveen Jindal School of Management, not at the University of Texas at Dallas, not in life. I worked as hard as I could, and it still wasn’t enough, so maybe it’s my fault. I just don’t have it in me. I must be defective in some way, so I’m leaving. I’m going away. This post is scheduled to go up 30 minutes after I pitch myself from atop the Taco Bell parking structure. You won’t miss me; you never knew me. Goodbye.
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