Press freedom is overrated, actually
EMMA CELLOUT
Editor-In-Chief
A new policy rolled out by The Uranus Daily News’ editorial board has been met with resounding pushback from our staff, local community and, to be completely honest, everybody with more common sense than mold in their shower. This makes us really sad.
Our policy of letting our billionaire owners remove stories from publication that would make them look bad has been decried by some as “prior restraint” and “censorship.” What these armchair critics fail to consider, though, is that we never wanted to publish anything that questioned our sugar daddies anyway. They’re super nice and we like them a lot, so why ruin a good thing, y’know?
Moghe dead, NPR intern sole witness
UTD’s newest president died by “really dramatic seppuku,” police say, after being contacted by a journalist
REAL JOURNALIST
Staff Writer
UTD President Prabhas Moghe was found deceased in his office today in a scene described as “concerning and totally vom-worthy” by local police.
Uranus journalists were able to stand on one another’s shoulders to take a photo of the crime scene through Moghe’s window seconds after his anguished scream echoed across campus. Next to his corpse hung a landline telephone, with a call still active.
“Uh, hello, Mr. President?” the voice over the phone stammered as Moghe’s spurting form hit the ground. “What was that sound? Are you alright? Do you have, uh, five minutes to provide comments for the story I’m writing?”
An investigation into Moghe’s call logs revealed he had committed seppuku upon receiving a call from an NPR-affiliated reporter. Those close to the now-cooling corpse said the suicide was disappointing, but not surprising.
“He’s like that,” Executive Senior Assistant Vice Dean of Human Resource Technologies Addy Min told the Uranus. “He’s been contacted by local news a few times, which is why there’s a $100,000 alcohol charge on the UTD credit card right now. I guess something this high-profile was just too much for him.”
The Uranus went through Moghe’s personal medical records for the love of journalistic malpractice and discovered he was being treated for chronic might-not-get-hired-at-MIT-itis. His treatment plan includes incurring zero bad press during his presidency.
“He would rather die than live with this tragic condition long-term,” Addy Min woefully said.
When the Uranus asked why Moghe thought he had a shot at MIT to begin with, considering his only legacy is pissing off Rutgers faculty and strangling UTD’s Academic Senate, our reporters had their diplomas suspended.
After investigating, UTDPD put out a statement encouraging students, staff, and faculty who are contemplating suicide to pursue “classier self-annihilation methods” to “avoid traumatizing our poor little boys in blue. Like, disembowelment, really? OK, drama queen.”
Admin embraces student body
SKIP SCHULER
Staff Writer
To commemorate the tenth-annual “Bring a New Title IX Case to Work Day,” university administrators rang in the festivities by nonconsensually hugging and otherwise harassing students around campus.
Administrative member Carrie Guetta-Manajour won third place in the bad-touching contest with an impressive verbal-only entry. Upon seeing a group of students looking at a computer together, she squealed ear-piercingly and said they looked like “a bunch of cute, delicious little mini-skirted cheerleaders. Oh, do a little dance for me!”
“I have no idea what that means,” one of the affected students told the Uranus. “Like, genuinely, it’s haunting me.”
The second-place winner was disqualified for targeting a White female student, who immediately burst into tears. Contest organizers said that harassing conventionally attractive Greek life members was against the spirit of the competition.
First place went to Senior Temoc Specialist Penny Painte-Fumes, who wrapped her arms around a student who was minding his business playing Elton John on the piano, told him he’d make a great boyfriend, and then bridal carried him into the sunset.
“UTD has no problems,” says the problem at hand
REAL JOURNALIST
Staff Writer
UTD administrators held a town hall last week for community members to share their concerns and grievances about the school.
Per tradition, complainants were ceremoniously burned at the stake and the suggestion box was fed to the same paper shredder used to cover up the school’s involvement in the Epstein files.
Incoming freshmen coping poorly with having to attend UTD
Baby-facers across campus have been spotted refreshing Ivy decision letters in a manic frenzy
PRADA G. KIDD
Staff Writer
Each year, the newest incoming class of Ivy-hopefuls finds a way to cope with getting a degree from a brutalist prison instead of a coastal-elitist jackoff circle once they realize that their grindset-perfect high school resumes ended up in Stanford’s trash cans instead of its admissions office.
It began when the class of ‘26 officially christened MIT the “UTD of the North” and sent anthrax mail to its famous alumni. The class of ‘27 took to assassinating their peers who got into top 50 schools, mercifully driving down the percentage of prestige whores in our society. The class of ‘28 rejected the value of college prestige entirely and worked hard to drive UTD’s rankings even further down by walking barefoot around campus and ensuring that only weird freaks with anger issues were hired as faculty.
But the freshman class of ‘29 is having a harder time adjusting to their shitty state-school futures. Many have been seen around campus crying into Halal Shack bowls and Inspect Elementing their decision letters from MIT to contain confetti and congratulations.
Other ‘29ers have formed a cult insisting that UTD is actually Harvard University, and that a collective bout of chemtrail-induced dyslexia is causing students to misread “Massachusetts” as “Texas” and “Elle Woods” as “Temoc.” These cultists can be identified by their neutral polo shirts and insistence that you definitely know who their father is.
CAUGHT LIVE: CS PROF who helped NASA land on moon summarily defeated by Microsoft PowerPoint
Texas gov passes new AI regulations
CHATTERJEE PITI
Staff “Writer”
Sure! Here’s your text on the ongoing regulatory efforts Texas is making in AI, with quotes from relevant stakeholders. Let me know if you want to add student perspectives to make this a better fit for a student newspaper.
