Hey everybody! Between the extra student loans I took out this year, the massive tax refund I got, and the many, many alimony payments I’ve received, I’ve had a lot of extra cash flowing in lately. So I was thinking, “What better to do than go for a little summer vacay?” I asked everybody on Instagram for ideas on where to go, so let’s get into it!

Point Nemo:

It’s a great movie, so why wouldn’t it be a great point? I’d definitely get some peace and quiet away from the hustle and bustle of the mainland, too. The only problem would be the sharks!

Cheesetopia:

That’s just preposterous! Everybody knows that the Sharp City of Cheesetopia sank into the Fondue Sea at least three millennia ago! But what if I were able to find some of its aged treasures?

Dagestan:

The traditional clothes are really neat, but I’d be afraid to get beaten up by a bunch of wrestlers for not shaving my mustache. Regardless of that, I haven’t been allowed in Russia since what happened in Vladikavkaz.

Cat Island:

I lost many brothers and sisters to the Great Siege of Cat Island. The sound of claws rending flesh haunts me every time I close my eyes… Anyway, I hear they have thriving fishing and dairy industries there. It could be a nice spot to visit one day, just after a few more years of therapy.

Brazil (To try coxinhas and pão de queijo):

I don’t know if my Portuguese is good enough to take proper férias just yet. However, I can recognize the word cheese in at least 50 languages, so you’ve definitely got my attention. If there’s good food, you’ll find me there.

Lebanon (To free them from the occupation, inshallah):

Wait, there’s an occupation in Lebanon? Who’s occupying them? I’ve spent fall breaks in Sidon since I was little. I can’t just sit by and watch this happen! I need to try getting in contact with Uncle Qassem ASAP.

Shrimp Town:

I’m allergic to shellfish. Also, I only press red buttons, so I’m gonna have to skip this one for the foreseeable future.

I guess my ideal vacation this summer will involve sailing my private yacht around the world. I’ll start with a diving trip to the Fondue Sea in search of sunken cheesy treasure, then go dine on the local delicacies of Brazil before sailing through the North Atlantic and Mediterranean to land in Lebanon, where I will put a stop to the nonsense. Wish me luck, friends.