Aries:

It’s quick, it’s easy, and it’s free! Pour water in your classmates’ shoes, NOW!

Taurus:

It’s okay to be a little confused about how you’re feeling right now. Everyone gets a little gay with it sometimes. It’s normal.

Gemini:

The stars think you should probably clean your room. The hoes like to be a little scared, but only like, a little bit.

Cancer:

Someone will attempt to bribe you this month. Remember, you can’t be corrupted if your ideals include getting rich at the expense of professional integrity.

Leo:

Fate is as Fate does. You were always destined to do that embarrassing thing you keep wishing could have gone differently. You just have to live with cementing yourself as a chopped, hopeless, loser.

Virgo:

You gotta spend money to make money! Take your life’s savings to the nearest casino and bet it all on black.

Libra:

You’re actively missing your chance to stop being broke as hell. It’s fine. Don’t worry. You can always start an OnlyFans.

Scorpio:

Sometimes the best course of action is to do nothing. Which is to say, invest in a comfortable cuck chair.

Sagittarius:

It may all seem hopeless, but sometimes accomplishing your dreams means looking at things from a new perspective. Lock yourself in a room made of mirrors until your dreams take a new, horrifying shape.

Capricorn:

A healthy relationship is about mutual respect and commitment. Rekindle the spark in your love life by trying to kill that special someone in a lengthy series of Spy vs. Spy antics until you both discover a common enemy to join forces against.

Aquarius:

Ask yourself — is it really a bad thing to firebomb a corporate headquarters, or do people just say that because someone else said it first?

Pisces:

Stop trying to reconcile a bad option and a worse one. Do what everyone else does and daydrink until a third, even worse option reveals itself to you.