Aries:

Let’s go gambling! Remember: if you rack up enough debt, it’s actually the casino’s problem.

Taurus:

Stressed because you failed your midterms? The stars recommend dropping out.

Gemini:

Skip your dad’s funeral to go day drinking. It’s what he would have wanted.

Cancer:

The stars know that you want to switch majors. It’s a dumb idea, but do it anyway.

Leo:

Take some bets on how much money Aries will lose this month. The stars are thinking $10k-$15k, but I think Aries might be willing to take a dive.

Virgo:

The party told you to reject the evidence of your eyes and ears. It was their final, most essential command. So get rejecting! You’re not, like, a square, are you?

Libra:

Aren’t you tired of being the rational one? Let loose. Get a little feral with it. Eat out of someone’s trash.

Scorpio:

Do you really have an avoidant attachment style if the other person just sucks?

Sagittarius:

You have a lot to celebrate this month! No catch. Get bent, other star signs.

Capricorn:

Solving one problem might be the key to solving another. Too bad your problems are all horrible and unsolvable.

Aquarius:

Go on. One more reel. Just one more. You’ll definitely do your homework afterwards. Fuckin’ dumbass.

Pisces:

Dude (gender-neutral). C’mon. Move the fuck on.