Aries:

You’re getting isekai’d to a world where semi-trucks are sentient. And bloodthirsty.

Taurus:

Most people would say it’s a good time to nurture your inner child, but I think the little twerp’s up to something. Stay on your toes, Taurus.

Gemini:

The stars see an extra spring in your step this month. Use it for evil. Y’know, as a treat.

Cancer:

The doctrine of fate decrees you’ll be struck with a moment of indecision when faced with thousands of angry bees.

Leo:

A man in your life will soon tell you to not spend your recent earnings on hookers and blow, and it’s imperative that you absolutely do not listen to him.

Virgo:

Virgo, now is the time for action. Which we all know will be a struggle for your lazy ass.

Libra:

Libra, it’s time to lay bare your hidden truth. Go on. Make those twinks kiss sloppy-style. Fujo out. Live a little.

Scorpio:

The tea leaves see prosperity in your future, Scorpio. Weird. I think they’re broken. I’ve been meaning to call a tea leaf repair technician for a while now.

Sagittarius:

Face it. This country’s fucked. Brush up on your Chinese and make sure your passport’s up-to-date.

Capricorn:

In pro wrestling, it is perhaps more impressive to remain standing after getting hit with a steel chair than it is to hit someone else with a steel chair. That said, don’t expect to impress anyone when you get hit with a steel chair this month.

Aquarius:

Some pleasures are best enjoyed amongst friends, Aquarius. Stop hoarding all the goddamn concubines.

Pisces:

The arc of the moral universe bends towards justice. If you find that someone’s stolen your TV this month, you probably deserved it.