AMP
The Official Student Opinion and Satire Magazine of UTD
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May 2023 Horoscopes
Aries: Exact cold, brutal revenge on your worst enemies this month. As a treat! Taurus: Sometimes it’s okay to ritualistically sacrifice a Virgo. Gemini: You’re going to spend too much time thinking about the many instances in which Bugs Bunny wears drag. Cancer: Stop waiting around for life to send something your way! I mean, […]
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April 2023 Horoscopes
Aries: The stars have gifted you with newfound financial expertise! Invest everything in crypto. Taurus: Someone you now’s got it out for you, which is why your stint with the local mob boss is finally going to pay off. Gemini: Yuo’re gniog too fsat. I’m miakng you solw down. Tkae a deep baerth…There. Isn’t that […]
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March 2023 Horoscopes
Aries: Report that professor. Through Title IX. For realsies. Taurus: You should listen to people. That idea everyone says sucks? It sucks. Gemini: Still haven’t tried antidepressants yet, huh? Cancer: Cut that person out of your life. Like, seriously all the time. You know who I’m talking about. Leo: Make money before you spend it. […]
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February 2023 Horoscopes
Aries: Do you even have time to be looking for love right now? Before you buy someone dinner, consider buying yourself a planner. Taurus: Routine is important, but beware of stagnation. Hang out with someone you haven’t seen in a while! Gemini: Compartmentalizing every part of your personality into neat little boxes is not going […]
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Horoscopes: December 2022
Aries: The end of the year is a good time to step back and seriously evaluate your life. What do you want to hold onto, and what do you need to let go of? HINT: YOU NEED TO LET GO. Taurus: You shouldn’t bottle up your feelings just to avoid inconveniencing others. Sometimes the best […]
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November 2022 Horoscopes
Aries: Keep the sunk-cost fallacy in mind this month. Just because you’ve devoted a lot of time and energy to something, doesn’t mean you aren’t allowed to let it go. Taurus: After five long months, Saturn is finally out of retrograde! You’re free! Use this time to take a well-needed rest. The worst is already […]
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October Horoscopes
Aries: Beware the pull of the Aries full moon. You’re standing on a cliff face, and it will try to drag you off the edge. Keep your emotional responses in check, and ask yourself what you’re really angry about. Taurus: You are drowning, barely keeping your head above water in a sea of endless responsibilities. […]
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September Horoscopes: Virgo
Aries: You’re naturally drawn towards leadership positions. Good for you! But know your place. If you’re a minimum wage fast-food worker, don’t try bossing anyone around just yet. Taurus: There are over 40 water bottle refill stations on campus. USE THEM. Gemini: Mars is in Gemini, and you know what that means — it’s time […]
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May Horoscopes: Taurus Time
Aries: How are your anger management classes coming? Taurus: This is your season! Spring has sprung! It’s time to finally do the wardrobe overhaul you’ve been dreaming of. Just make sure to watch your budget while you’re surfing Depop. Gemini: You’re not paying tuition for nothing. Take advantage of university resources while you still can! […]
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March Horoscopes
Aries: Have patience. TAs can only work so many hours a week! Give it a day or two before you start sending nagging emails. Taurus: Trust your intuition, but not as much as you trust Google. Especially if trusting your intuition is what got you lost in JSOM in the first place. Gemini: Ego is […]
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February Horoscopes
Aries: Looking for a guy that’s out of this world? Maybe he’s already in your orbit… (hint: he’s tall, ginger, and his name starts with t and ends in moc) Taurus: Well someone’s going to be lucky in love this month! Time to redownload those dating apps, because your statistical chances of finding someone to […]
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December Horoscopes
Aries: Watch out for fair-weather friends. Not everyone can be counted on during hard times. Taurus: Meeting new people can be hard, but try not to freeze up. You can do this! Gemini: Take some time to reflect on how quickly you warm up to people. Also, maybe talk to a mental health professional. Cancer: […]