Aries:

The stars are telling you to stop denying your feelings towards that special person. Everyone can tell you both want to rip into each other like animals, and it’s really getting on the cosmos’ nerves. Like, can you just get on with it? Jesus.

Taurus:

Be careful about leaving home too long, Taurus. Fate warns that you might return only to have to fight your beloved’s seven evil exes, which would make you Scott Pilgrim. And no one wants that.

Gemini:

Confidence and success will go hand in hand for you this month, which is to say whatever you’re doing, just fucking go for it. Don’t even blink. Eye contact is sexy, and you know it.

Cancer:

Your elaborate plan to woo your lover with a costly and intimidating Rube Goldberg-esque fucking machine will only work if you actually make the goddamn machine. Stop procrastinating. If your machine doesn’t fuck them, someone else will.

Leo:

Look, you biffed it a long time ago and you know it. This has been a long time coming. Just put on the maid dress and get it over with so you can move on with your life.

Virgo:

You’re in the clear for now, but you’ve got another month before your situationship tries to escalate. Tick tock.

Libra:

You’re unsure of what your heart is telling you right now. The Divine Weave suggests meditation, tea, and/or ethically questionable (but consensual!) acts of sadomasochism to help uncloud your thoughts.

Scorpio:

Scorpio. Scorpio I am so sorry. It’s never been more over for you. You are SO fucked. Oh god. Oh, I — I think I’m gonna throw up.

Sagittarius:

Don’t let your desires go unheard. Just don’t complain when your subby ass gets exactly what you asked for, and then some.

Capricorn:

The stars can tell you’re experiencing a lot of anger, fear, and doubt. Try turning all that off by getting dommed until you drool.

Aquarius:

The scrying orb is deadass telling me you should get back with your ex. I think the scrying orb hates you or something.

Pisces:

Inside you there are two wolves. They’re both gender-fucked puppygirls. A few catboys as well, actually. Good for you, honestly. I’m not judging.