AMP
The Official Student Opinion and Satire Magazine of UTD
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March 2024: Horoscopes
Aries: Icarus was a loser. Fly closer to the sun. Taurus: You’re your own person, as long as you ignore the oppressive, inescapable yoke of late-stage capitalism. Gemini: Your dealer will come in surprisingly handy this month. (AMP does not encourage the use of controlled substances.) Cancer: The stars think you should reinvent yourself. Try […]
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AMP Horoscope
Aries: You are going to do something that will make you feel so guilty after this month. Double down. Own it. Revel in it. Taurus: Don’t cry over spilled milk. Unless you’re thinking about how it’s always shifting. Always on an unavoidable path of curdling sourness. Destined to be thrown away. Rejected. Gemini: The stars […]
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December Horoscopes
Aries: Give in to the voices. Taurus: You’ve got it figured out this month. You don’t need anyone else’s opinion. In fact, what are you even here for? Bask in your infinite wisdom, and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. Gemini: If you find yourself in need of a spare towel in a foreign place, […]
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September 2023 Horoscopes
Aries: Just try really hard not to fall down the stairs this month. Taurus: Go ahead. Eat that sandwich off the ground. Your immune system can handle it. Gemini: Your vibes are off. If you don’t get this fixed, you will always mildly unsettle the fifth nearest person to your left. Seek out a vibe-ologist. […]
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May 2023 Horoscopes
Aries: Exact cold, brutal revenge on your worst enemies this month. As a treat! Taurus: Sometimes it’s okay to ritualistically sacrifice a Virgo. Gemini: You’re going to spend too much time thinking about the many instances in which Bugs Bunny wears drag. Cancer: Stop waiting around for life to send something your way! I mean, […]
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April 2023 Horoscopes
Aries: The stars have gifted you with newfound financial expertise! Invest everything in crypto. Taurus: Someone you now’s got it out for you, which is why your stint with the local mob boss is finally going to pay off. Gemini: Yuo’re gniog too fsat. I’m miakng you solw down. Tkae a deep baerth…There. Isn’t that […]
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March 2023 Horoscopes
Aries: Report that professor. Through Title IX. For realsies. Taurus: You should listen to people. That idea everyone says sucks? It sucks. Gemini: Still haven’t tried antidepressants yet, huh? Cancer: Cut that person out of your life. Like, seriously all the time. You know who I’m talking about. Leo: Make money before you spend it. […]
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February 2023 Horoscopes
Aries: Do you even have time to be looking for love right now? Before you buy someone dinner, consider buying yourself a planner. Taurus: Routine is important, but beware of stagnation. Hang out with someone you haven’t seen in a while! Gemini: Compartmentalizing every part of your personality into neat little boxes is not going […]
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Horoscopes: December 2022
Aries: The end of the year is a good time to step back and seriously evaluate your life. What do you want to hold onto, and what do you need to let go of? HINT: YOU NEED TO LET GO. Taurus: You shouldn’t bottle up your feelings just to avoid inconveniencing others. Sometimes the best […]
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October Horoscopes
Aries: Beware the pull of the Aries full moon. You’re standing on a cliff face, and it will try to drag you off the edge. Keep your emotional responses in check, and ask yourself what you’re really angry about. Taurus: You are drowning, barely keeping your head above water in a sea of endless responsibilities. […]
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September Horoscopes: Virgo
Aries: You’re naturally drawn towards leadership positions. Good for you! But know your place. If you’re a minimum wage fast-food worker, don’t try bossing anyone around just yet. Taurus: There are over 40 water bottle refill stations on campus. USE THEM. Gemini: Mars is in Gemini, and you know what that means — it’s time […]
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March 2020 Horoscopes
Aries This month you will be facing changes and challenges, and you may be convinced you don’t have the ability to overcome them because of past experiences. If you keep focusing on the past, you’ll only get in the way of your own ability to manifest. Your future is moving you; don’t let the past […]