Scorpio: You’ll feel a little like you’re in a spy movie this month, which will be interesting given that everyone around you will feel more like they’re in a horror comedy.

Sagittarius: The Buddha is real and wants to smoke a blunt with you. Ball’s in your court, Sagittarius.

Capricorn: Nothing quite beats experiencing something for the first time, unless it’s getting a visit from the Fog Horse. A lot of things beat that, actually.

Aquarius: Some things never change. Make peace with your sleep paralysis demon — they’re gonna be there for a while.

Pisces: Assert dominance by buying your friends lunch and deliberately getting their orders wrong.

Aries: You’ll find this month that a surprising amount of problems can be easily fixed by headbutting them really hard. 

Taurus: The stars want you to take some time to rest. You’ll need the energy for when the aliens beam you up to represent humanity in an intergalactic bowling competition. They execute the losers via space piranhas, but more importantly we won the last three times, so you better not break the goddamn streak.

Gemini: Your opps know all of your weaknesses and plan to exploit them. Make them second-guess themselves by developing more weaknesses, which will surely have no downsides.

Cancer: The stars think you should see a psychiatrist. 

Leo: They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but the stars foresee you finding a perfectly unattended chili cheese dog face-down on the ground later this month. Eat shit, Milton Friedman.

Virgo: You’re going to be dragged back into a conflict you thought was over soon, which the stars think is really dumb of future you. 

Libra: Inexorable Fate has decreed that it’s really just not feeling it right now. Divine your own goddamn future for once, you freeloader.