Aries:

Pro tip — you don’t need to worry about what presents to get your friends if you ghost everyone and move to a different continent after they give you your presents.

Taurus:

You’ll face a dilemma this month that’s hard to find a clear path through. Paint your nose glow-in-the-dark red to light your way forward.

Gemini:

Looking to achieve all your wildest hopes and dreams? Undercut Santa’s surprisingly ethical business model by establishing your own workshop where you actually do underpay your elves. That’s how all the other billionaires do it.

Cancer:

The stars foresee you being really cozy and warm this month following an act of charity from a sleep-deprived rich guy who should really see a psychiatrist for some antipsychosis meds.

Leo:

The Thread of Fate suggests you address the elephant in the room. The white elephant, that is — how long were you going to put off buying a gift for that?

Virgo:

You’re going to find yourself entangled in the drama of a really homoerotic ice skating competition soon, Virgo. Which is cool. I’m not, like, jealous or anything. Not that you care. Whatever. Have fun, Asshole.

Libra:

Krampus will hunt you down this month. You have what it takes to fend him off… but he’ll remember what you’ve done to him.

Scorpio:

Another heartbreak in store for you this holiday season, Scorpio. Hope you like this issue’s cover, because it’s time to enter your own “Ho-Ho-Hoe Phase.”

Sagittarius:

Your hardships are going on hiatus so you and your opps can put aside your differences and learn the true meaning of Christmas. Better start practicing for the big musical number!

Capricorn:

Santa’s put you on the nice list! Unfortunately he’s also low on cash this year, so the present he got you is also your birthday present. Which was weird of him to say, since he doesn’t usually do birthdays.

Aquarius:

The stars have divined that your heart is three sizes too small. They think you should maybe see a cardiologist about that.

Pisces:

The stars predict no Hanukkah this year — Israel needs all the lighter fluid to light up more hospitals like Christmas trees. Sorry about that.