Congrats all! You guys made it to the end of the year! Unfortunately as the end of the semester draws nearer, so does my ever-approaching graduation date that I’ve already delayed for the past 56-ish years. Instead of dealing with the impending inevitability of unemployment, I’ll simply reminisce on the great times I had this year as I register for more blow-off classes to kick back my graduation date. Join me as I, Ratford, Reflect.
January:
Ahh, the beginning of a new year! I’m always so excited for January because it means I get to take new classes and meet fresh faces who will soon become my freshly divorced exes! This spring I got to take UNDW 1100, “Intro to Underwater Basket Weaving;” CS 4925, “Unemployment Theory;” ECON 6969, “Freakonomics” (with an emphasis on the “Freak”); and so many more classes necessary for my 500 degrees!
February:
The month of love! This February, I got married to my 5876th, 5877th, and 5880th wives! I don’t know what happened to wives 5878 and 5879, though. All I know is that I ate 15 pounds of cheesecake on February 13th and woke up on the 15th with two more wives — nowhere to be seen, mind you — added to the tally.
March:
Spring is finally here! … Is what I’d say if it actually was, because all I felt this month was cold. Seriously, why is March so cold? Global warming is no joke, guys. Take it from a rat who happens to be the world’s leading expert in Making Stuff Up.
April:
To be honest, not much happens in April. It’s the calm before the storm (the storm being finals). But it’s okay — I still love you, April. xoxo April please call me back.
May:
I think we’d all prefer to forget this month, but I’ll give a quick refresher: finals kicked all our asses. There, done.
June-August:
While all you schmucks were too busy relaxing or spending time with family, I was busy LEARNING! That’s right suckers, I was in summer school furthering my educational ambitions! And while I lost an entire summer to FOMO, I did gain… credits. Yippee.
September:
While the school year technically starts during the last week of August, September is where it gets REAL! This semester, I’ve been taking LIT 5687, “Methodology of Pissing Off Your Readers;” EE 3891, “Professional Ethics for Weapons Manufacturing;” and a bunch of other random bullshit! If you see me in your class next week, say hi! Or don’t, but know that I’ll take it personally.
October:
October is obviously the spookiest month, especially with all these tricks (exams) and ghouls (the professors giving exams) and no treats (cancelled exams). What’s worse is that I didn’t even get to attend Halloweekend this year since my essence as a primordial being is tied to this stupid campus. I gotta talk to the president about that…
November:
Turkey time! I love pecan pie, sweet potato casserole, and watching turkeys get stuffed, mmf… I — I may have a type.
December:
This month literally just started, but if it’s anything like years past, I know the first half will be unpleasant due to finals. The other half, however, should be quite nice! Here’s to a great break, everyone!
