Howdy folks! Welcome/welcome back to the concrete jungle that I might describe as “ecobrutalist” or “pretty” if I get too dehydrated (serious note – please make sure to drink enough water. Red Bull could kill a Victorian child and will kill some of you at this rate). Campus beauty aside, the new school year means new faces and young minds yet to learn the history of this esteemed university. Come, children, and let me regale you with anecdotes of this university’s past.

Blaze

This was Temoc’s former name before he got hit with a copyright claim from UT Arlington. We still like to celebrate his canonical birthday together on April 20th. Yes, this is real.

An IHOP

This was replaced by Taco Bell. I personally like this change because there’s more cheese, but opinions differ.

The Pub

In an effort to stop me specifically from drinking after a long day of chowing down on cheese, the Pub was demolished last year to make room for the flashy eSports lounge. Speaking of…

(Some) Sports

In Fall 1978, wrist-wrestling was an intramural activity (former champion, by the way). The influence of athletics at this university has expanded significantly since then, as you’ll notice from our very existent football team (undefeated since 1969, baby!), eSports lounge, and chess plaza, where people have occasionally played chess. Cops sometimes play roller derby with protesters here, but without the rollerskates.

Free speech (after 10pm)

You can thank SB2972 for that one – no more “expressive activity” on campus after 10pm or during the last two weeks of the semester. Which sucks, because people usually try to call the exterminators on me if I express myself during the day.

The Spirit Rocks

We used to have these rocks for people to express themselves freely, often for political reasons. They were removed a couple years ago because students were using them to express political opinions. Now I don’t have any use for my box of spraypaint, SMH.

The Mercury

Now, you might be thinking, “Wow, that’s some good journalism about the Spirit Rocks! Where are those journalists now?” They got fired by the university. Administration is trying to restart the paper this year.

My wives

They left me. All 20 of them (from the past year), which brings me to a total of… I can actually only count to 20, so I don’t know.