Now, anybody who knows or has spoken to me in the last few years will know that I’m just as much a Trump-loving, God-fearing, blue-state-hating, red-blooded American as any MAGA supporter. I’ve voted for President Trump in the last five elections, even writing him in against Obama in 2008 and 2012 since McCain was too buddy-buddy with one Mr. Hussein and Romney’s a dirty Mormon. Recently, though, I’ve noticed something horrible that Donald Trump has been doing, and I just cannot stay by his side anymore because of it.
I’ve been obsessed with Donald Trump for many, many years. I watched “The Apprentice” constantly when I was growing up; his TV career, along with his numerous successful business ventures, revealed to me how amazing the man was at wielding his power. I still remember being a young man, watching his interview where he celebrated owning the tallest building in Manhattan after 9/11, entranced by his soothing voice and stylish hair. I had no choice but to like such a charming and caring guy. When his first presidential term came around, I was so excited to see what America’s most successful businessman would do with our great nation. Running America like a business was the best strategy for prosperity, to be sure.
During his first term, Trump did so many things right. His handling of the Stormy Daniels affair, with its ensuing claims of falsified documents, was famously top-notch, and it was refreshing to have a leader who truly cares for the family values that Western society holds sacred. He made great advancements towards protecting America with his travel bans against several majority-Muslim countries, which thankfully remained in some form until Biden came around and opened the borders. I cried in joy when he staffed the Supreme Court with sensible, conservative judges. I praised his attempts to ban TikTok as a saving grace for American youth, and I still revere his attempts to expand U.S. territory and energy independence by attempting to buy Greenland while distancing us from pesky climate matters like the Paris Agreement.
When the COVID-19 hoax was perpetrated, Trump was the light in the darkness that led so many of us to the truth. He insisted that COVID-19 was not a big deal, that all one had to do was inject a little disinfectant into themself and refuse to wear a mask in Walmart. This was contrasted by his well-documented private acknowledgements that the virus was highly contagious and potentially lethal, especially for America’s most vulnerable — in truth, this showed he had the resilience and strength necessary to combat the excessive fearmongering of the left. Around the same time, the president attempted to secure a second term to extend his fantastic leadership by enlisting the Ukrainian government to help him in his campaign against Joe Biden. Obviously, he had to use their military aid as leverage to make this happen. Some may call this extortion, but I call it a smart, sensible business move to further aid our great nation. However, despite the prosperous fruits of Trump’s great labors, the Dems managed to steal the 2020 presidential race.
When we heard this, my friends and I were understandably appalled. Rigging an election is a felony, how could they just get away with it? We tried our best to do something about it, showing up to the capital protests and attempting to citizen’s arrest the many politicians involved in the rigging. It was no use, however, as Teenie Peenie Pence backstabbed our divine cause; we were made martyrs, called “extremists” and “insurrectionists,” and some, like myself, were even imprisoned. From a cell, I watched the next few months go by. And then from my living room’s reclining chair, I watched “FOX News” for another three years as the radical left government tried to damage Donald Trump in any way possible. They nailed him with 34 phony felony charges, and even tried to kill him with a bullet to the ear. I shudder to think what would’ve happened if divine intervention hadn’t prevented him from serving prison time, and especially if God hadn’t curved one of the bullets to hit that fireman instead.
But then, all of a sudden, we made a comeback. We thwarted the Deep State’s many attempts to rig the election and got Trump back in office. The next few months were Heaven on Earth, with Trump making waves by unbanning TikTok, threatening to invade and annex Greenland, Panama, and Canada, and withdrawing from the Paris Agreement… again! He gutted the funding of the useless National Parks Service. That’s a good thing, obviously; beauty is useless, and doesn’t make us money. Drilling for oil in Yosemite, however, will be good for everyone.
He managed to make ICE into the number one law enforcement agency in the entire country, drafting ingenious plans to deport millions of brown people who don’t belong, as well as the many non-believers, critics, and people riddled with empathy, to work camps in El Salvador and Florida. Serves them right for going against the best leader in the world. He worked with billionaire genius Elon Musk to create the Department of Government Efficiency and trim the government’s fat. He drained America’s swamp of all the woke elitists who don’t belong in the government, and only want to enrich themselves and others. All good things must come to an end, however. I must reveal the thing that has caused me to hang up my red hat.
One of my relatives sent me a video of Trump going out to eat with Jeffrey Epstein, and this video revealed something horrific. I was shocked to discover that my president enjoys eating his steaks well-done. He buys luxurious, expensive cuts of meat, and then has them cooked beyond salvation, until they are gray and tough. Even worse, he proceeds to douse them in ketchup, drowning the last remnants of the meal’s potential in a sea of red. I cannot trust a man who would do something so vile, so disrespectful, so beta. I have no choice but to join with his old friend Elon, no doubt pushed away from Trump for the same reason, as he forms the America Party. Please, tell your friends and loved ones to do the same, for Trump can reign as king no more.
