Aries:

Jesus once said, “It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God.” Which is to say, you can still get raptured if you blow all your money on Facebook Marketplace.

Taurus:

Yes, Taurus, you can still blame your flaws on your parents’ divorce. And if they’re not divorced, now’s a good time to fix that.

Gemini:

The stars want you to pay your goddamn child support, you deadbeat.

Cancer:

Don’t trust your gut. Trust your liver. You can definitely handle another margarita.

Leo:

You’ve been through so much, but your hard work is finally paying off! The reward? More work.

Virgo:

Anything can be true if you say it confidently enough. Remember: it’s not gaslighting if you believe it.

Libra:

In the grand scheme of things, does it really matter if you masturbate for the third time tonight instead of doing your homework?

Scorpio:

The stars can tell you’re getting tired of arguing with someone important in your life. If you get too high to process what’s being said, it’s like it’s not even happening. Problem solved!

Sagittarius:

You might be struggling to relax lately. Another succulent will fix you, probably.

Capricorn:

Get rich quick with this one simple trick: upselling cheap furniture to Aries.

Aquarius:

Did you know the poorest 50% of Americans own 2.5% of the country’s wealth? Don’t worry though. It’ll all trickle down one of these days. For sure.

Pisces:

Is it really homewrecking if everyone’s too broke to afford a home?