Aries:

Love will blossom between you and someone new this Valentine’s! Which will be fun for those of you who’re already cuffed.

Taurus:

The stars have clocked your avoidant attachment style. The stars think watching you sabotage your relationship with someone you don’t appreciate enough is funny, though, and encourage you to keep doing it.

Gemini: 

C’mon. Stop browsing Etsy. It is WAY too early to be looking at engagement rings.

Cancer:

Make sure your vibrator’s charged. The only thing you’re getting intimate with this month is loneliness.

Leo:

No, you’re not delusional. The 11/10 goth girl in your discussion section wants you too. Nothing turns her on like forehead grease.

Virgo:

Just give them one more chance. Just one more. 90% of relationships end right before the shitty one changes. The stars promise.

Libra:

It’s time. Call your dead-eyed BPD situationship Mommy.

Scorpio:

The constellation of Scorpio thinks you should check your partner’s phone. Don’t ask. Just do it.

Sagittarius:

Looking to spice it up in the bedroom? Use the new limited-edition AMP brand RATFORD CONDOMS!!!! (Like for real! We have those now! For free!)

Capricorn:

While their argument might seem sound, they forgot one crucial detail: you’re never wrong. Call them a narcissistic manipulator until they beg you not to leave.

Aquarius:

You can win them over, but only through an elaborate plan involving two flash mobs, a Rube-Goldberg machine, and a slutty dinosaur costume.

Pisces:

Don’t court; be courted. If you respond to that text within five hours, you’re doing it wrong.