Aries:

Look, dude (gender neutral). Touching grass does NOT include the grass in Minecraft. Get out of your room for once in your life.

Taurus:

The stars think you should take some time to yourself, let go of a couple responsibilities. Basically, stop going to class.

Gemini:

Maybe you’re feeling a little desperately horribly hopeless lately, but the constellation of Gemini wants you to know you’re a bad fucking bitch. Rip out a man’s carotid artery with your teeth to remind yourself of your inner strength. #empowering

Cancer:

Do you need to talk to someone?? Are you doing okay???

Leo:

It’s not impostor syndrome if everyone else really is just better than you. 

Virgo:

You’re meant for bigger and better things this month. Specifically, the stars have conscripted you. They’re shipping you off to the Andromeda galaxy to go fight the other constellations, which have rich deposits of anti-matter and astral divination fuel. Which is good for me, personally, so I support it.

Libra:

Only you know what you want. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise, no matter how many people say it might cause excruciating genital pain. Live your goddamn truth.

Scorpio:

Alright, you knew this was coming. No more putting it off. It’s time to pick between your main ho and your side ho.

Sagittarius:

Don’t be afraid to let the whims of fate take you by the hand this month. They think you’re, like, totally cute, and wanna see if you’re free next Saturday.

Capricorn:

So maybe you’ve fucked up a little. Who cares? You’re used to that, right?

Aquarius:

The stars say you’re a stinky little gremlin person. Just a funky goblin kinda thing. You should lean into this by shoplifting and being weird about shiny objects, not that you aren’t doing that already.

Pisces:

I’m reading the tea leaves, and they say you’re going to get cucked. Very explicitly. In a LOT of detail. I mean, damn, like…they’re REALLY going at it. Shit I haven’t even heard of before. So, uh…sorry about that.