Aries:

No matter how heavy you think your wallet feels this month, always remember that you’re a broke bitch and you’ll die alone. Probably.

Taurus:

Really, there’s not a whole lot of difference between avoiding conflict and ending it. If you never speak to your parents again, do you really have any issues to resolve anymore?

Gemini:

The stars want you to remember that it’s not impostor syndrome if it’s true. But it does mean you’re really good at lying to people, so you’ve got that at least.

Cancer:

Engage in self-care by leaving them before they can leave you. After all these years, it’s finally your turn to give someone else abandonment issues.

Leo:

You might find a lot of timid, early HRT trans women in your DMs this month. This is a fantastic chance to tap into your dominant side in the bedroom, so long as you can handle new and exciting ways to witness a girl be insecure about herself.

Virgo:

Everything’s going your way this month. Go buy 20 lottery tickets.

Libra:

The stars want you to try something new. This is a good time to finally learn what gazpacho is. Or perhaps to stop being everyone else’s useless fucking doormat, for once in your life.

Scorpio:

Don’t let the haters get to you. You may be an ontologically evil snake bitch, but you get results, dammit.

Sagittarius:

You may feel like you’re supposed to be fulfilled around now, even though you’re not. The answer: not enough clown-themed sex in your life.

Capricorn:

You’ve been putting a lot of yourself into something without any return. At least, that’s what you’ve been telling yourself to justify hating the people you spend the most time with. Asshole.

Aquarius:

How’s coping with the death of your childhood dreams going? Have you turned to substances and risky sex like the rest of us yet?

Pisces:

I’m not saying someone’s going to Cask of Amontillado you this month, but like…I wouldn’t be surprised.