Hey, are you excited to see “Tron: Ares?” Yeah? Don’t be. Sure, it’s got pretty lights and expensive graphics, but at its core, it’s a huge slap in the face to the entire series. By the end of this heartfelt piece of literature, you’ll possess a deeper understanding of its star, the oily-haired Jared Leto, why I hate him, and why you should too!
I’m sure some of you are sitting here reading this thinking “but have you even seen Tron: Ares?” NO. The trailers alone were more than enough to fuel this piece. I especially don’t need to see it in order to know that little Leto is guaranteed to FUCK this film up in the box office. The better question is whether or not it will be as abysmal as “Morbius” (yikes). So get comfy, because court is in session. The Plaintiff? My 10-year-old self wondering where the fuck Sam Flynn went. The Defendant? The one and only box office poison: Jared Leto.
Crime #1: Existing in Tron: Ares
This first one should be obvious: the horrible existence of Ares as a character. It’s absurd that Hollywood keeps recycling the same problematic face for ALL futuristic roles.
Originally, the new film was to be based on the 2012 animated series, “Tron: Uprising,” and follow Sam and Quorra’s journey after “Tron: Legacy.” Apparently, we dodged a bullet back then — just to get hit with it between the eyes years later. Leto was apparently gunning to be included in the film, only for it to be cancelled due to logistical issues.
Fast forward to the production of Ares, and Leto was practically BEGGING to be included. And not in the cool way that Daft Punk did for Legacy — more like a sad plea to the press. He tried to claim that he was a diehard fan of the series and that it changed his life as a kid.
Sorry, Leto. All you provided was some unwashed hair, dull acting skills, and a fake-ass personality that might seem likeable if we didn’t know better. I proudly say that my favorite role of his was in “American Psycho,” where he gets hit in the face with an axe by an actual method actor. Speaking of…
Crime #2: The Method Acting Fetish
For you lovely readers who DON’T know about little Leto’s method acting complex, I’m happy to share. I’m tired of all the stories about him “method acting” in every movie he’s in just to give the worst performance out of the cast. For Jared Leto specifically, “method actor” means “asshole.”
Method acting is possible without being a complete and utter prick, yet here we are. For example, when Leto was ‘method acting’ as the Joker for “Suicide Squad” (2016), he sent his costars some thoughtful gifts including a used condom and a dead rat! Dear boy, being gross isn’t the same as being profound. According to crew reports, Leto also refused to respond unless addressed as “The Joker.” He pulled the same stunt for “Tron: Ares.” Only one person had beef with this: his co-star and “Tron” leading man Jeff Bridges. I think it’s safe to say Leto was “messing with his zen thing, man.” Bridges refused to call Leto “Ares,” saying that it wasn’t accurate to play along — after all, since Flynn created Ares, technically he can call him whatever he wants — in this case, Jared.
Even after trying to find my inner peace with Ares, I still can’t understand the casting choice. Why revive a franchise with someone widely disliked? Unless they want us to hate him, in which case, congrats! He absolutely nailed it. Now we’re forced to watch Jared Leto jog through traffic holding a triangular frisbee. If programs could cosplay, Ares did a great job cosplaying Jared Leto.
Crime #3: Paying to be in the movie
I can’t quite confirm this one, since my source is on X and I’m not making an account just to ask Grok what the truth is. However, it’s been reported that Leto chipped in his own money toward the $150-million budget for Ares. Is this really possible?? Well, little Leto has a net worth somewhere around $40-90 million.
Factoring in his “Tron changed my life” story, it’s not out of the question. Great job, buddy. You paid millions to play yourself in shiny pajamas. You’re like Kim Kardashian’s kid in the Lion King, except you paid for your talentless self instead of your talentless child. Fabulous.
Crime #4: Defaming the Legacy
Heh, see what I did there? NO returning cast except Jeff Bridges? Even in the trailers they dangled Jeff like a carrot on a stick: “look, Flynn’s still here!” Meanwhile they took away beloved characters like Sam, Quorra, and my will to live. It’s a lame excuse to not have any other returning cast just because Ares takes place 14 years after Legacy.
Crime #5: His Sex Cult Empire
You read that right. I too enjoyed my life before reading that title, but I’m bringing you all down with me. Here’s the Leto Files recap: Jared Leto’s band “Thirty Seconds to Mars” hosts ‘Mars Island,’ a luxury retreat in Croatia. Fans pay $1,000 to $7,000 — depending on lodging and the level of Jared Leto fan service — to wear white and trail behind him like Temu Jesus. Seriously. It’s been described as “cult-like” by both the media and Leto himself, who says it reflects the group’s “tight-knit” culture.
The Final Verdict:
For these crimes of hubris, mediocrity, and simply existing, I hereby sentence “Tron: Ares,” and Jared Leto, to immediate Derezzing. Until Daft Punk rises again, I’ll be blasting Legacy’s soundtrack and convincing myself that Jared Leto isn’t a biological weapon.
And if anyone catches me watching “Tron: Ares” — no you didn’t. It was research.
