As our chud government continues going completely mask-off about its feelings towards sex, women, queer people, and anybody who doesn’t have a stick up their ass (although I’m sure sticks aren’t the only thing up their asses), I figure now is the perfect time to learn a little history — namely, sex toy history.
Many of us reap the benefits of having countless options when it comes to tools of sexual pleasure (and if you don’t, you should), but few of us know how these kinky instruments came to be. After all, sex toys are essentially as old as the act itself! The oldest evidence humanity has of what our freaky ancestors were getting up to is a 28,000-year-old siltstone phallus discovered in Hohle Fels Cave in Germany, and yes, that’s legitimately what the cave is called, but I digress. To pretend like sex toys are some sexually deviant fad is incorrect from an anthropological perspective, and hilariously out of touch from a modern perspective. Sex toys will continue to exist no matter how many restrictive policies lawmakers try to pass, not to mention how ineffective and just plain unenforceable many of those policies are. In Texas, we have an obscenity statute that declares it illegal to own more than six sex toys, which it calls “obscene devices.” Although it was declared “facially unconstitutional and unenforceable” by a U.S. District Judge, the fact that it exists at all is a testament to our government’s odd obsession with controlling what happens in our bedrooms. As college-aged individuals, we bear the responsibility of boinking in unfathomable ways, and I think this historical sex toy knowledge will help keep that flame alive. So, without further ado, let’s get into it.
Vibrators
A good vibrator should never be taken for granted. After all, we’ve made enormous technological strides over the years to make these devices as portable and versatile as possible. But have you ever wondered what the ancestors of the modern vibrator looked like? The answer: kind of terrifying. For those unaware, vibrators were not originally tools of sexual pleasure; they were massagers that were used to treat a variety of common ailments both by physicians and at home. The earliest vibrators existed before electricity and featured a hand crank, which is a little hilarious to picture now. However, the truly terrifying grandfather of the electric vibrator was a device called the Manipulator, which one history blog described as “a dildo attached to a train engine,” and honestly, they aren’t wrong. The Manipulator was invented by Dr. George Taylor in 1869 (nice), and it featured a small, coal-powered steam engine attached to a phallus. It was hot (literally) and noisy — a far cry from the soft and subtle designs of most sex toys today. I salute this horrifying cousin of the locomotive for its contributions to orgasm science.
Fleshlights
The history of the Fleshlight is enlightening in many ways. First, let’s start with its inventor, Steve Shubin. A college linebacker turned LAPD officer who spent six years on the SWAT team, Shubin says that his time on the force was the best job he ever had, but he couldn’t do it nowadays. “Today, everybody’s got a camera, and everybody’s got a lawyer. I’d be fired in a month,” Shubin told Reason Magazine. Ah. Well. That’s … oh, what? That’s not all he said about his time on the force? Apparently, he was also quoted as saying, “I’ve killed people before. I’ve done everything. I have choked hundreds of people unconscious.” Oh! Okay. Well, that’s Steve Shubin. So, if terrorizing the citizens of Los Angeles — I mean, policing the city of Los Angeles — was such fulfilling work, why did he pivot to the adult toy industry? Shubin says that there wasn’t much money in policing, and he felt as though he was underpaid. See, this is why we should defund the police. Not because it’s an institution that’s been historically populated with violent, bigoted people, but because the cops we put out of jobs will reinvest in the sex toy business.
Named for its subtle outward appearance mimicking that of a flashlight, the patent for the Fleshlight describes it as a “device for discreet sperm collection,” which is certainly one way of putting it. The Fleshlight came about after Shubin’s wife became pregnant with twins at 40, which put her at a higher risk of complications. Her doctor advised them not to have intercourse, so Shubin worked tirelessly to craft the most inconspicuous pocket pussy known to man. Since its conception in 1997, the Fleshlight quickly rose in popularity and has cemented itself as one of the most popular masturbation devices worldwide. So, shoutout to the Fleshlight for adding significantly to the global orgasm tally, and shoutout to the city of Los Angeles for underpaying Steve Shubin.
Butt Plugs
The humble butt plug has medical origins like many popular sex toys. Originally known as “rectal dilatators,” these proto-plugs were introduced to consumers in 1892 by Dr. Frank E. Young. They came in sets of four, were made of rubber, and looked very similar to modern butt plugs. The most interesting takeaway, however, is what they claimed to treat: a myriad of ailments ranging from bad breath to insanity. Apparently, Dr. Young had claimed that “three-fourths of all the howling maniacs of the world” could be cured “in a few weeks’ time by the application of orificial methods.” The dilators also claimed to treat several skin conditions, sleep disorders, and bowel problems. Unfortunately, in 1940, the FDA eventually stepped in and took them off the market due to false advertising. Thankfully, they did this after people realized that these handy, dandy little plugs were a lot better at getting them off than they were fixing their irritable bowel syndrome. It was a classic case of snake oil if I’ve ever seen one, but it probably introduced a whole lot of people to anal play, so … a win’s a win I suppose?
The Climax
Now that this valuable knowledge has penetrated deeply into your prefrontal cortex, are you feeling satisfied? Fulfilled, even? Good, good. I’m glad we’re able to have honest discussions like this. Hopefully learning a little more about where these tools come from will inspire you to spice up your sex life and engineer a steam-powered dildo engine of your own — or just push you to buy that vibrator you’ve been eyeing since Christmas.
