Nothing is more representative of love than the sad, sweaty yearning of the homosexual cowboy. We at AMP understand that to rawdog in a tent with no lube is to know true devotion, which is why we’ve selected only the finest fruity cowboy media to discuss this month. These films were released a year apart and function as a time capsule for the mid-aughts’ inexplicable interest in cowboy homoeroticism. Now, git along and enjoy!
Brokeback Mountain (2005)
Ang Lee’s “Brokeback Mountain” takes place in the twenty years between 1963 and 1983. It was released in 2005 and is now being reviewed in 2026. In context, the main theme is that nothing ever changes, except possibly the ranching industry.
The movie opens with Jack Twist (Jake Gyllenhaal) and Ennis Del Mar (Heath Ledger) being hired as ranchers on the titular Brokeback Mountain. Their assignment lasts the entire summer, and for that summer, they are virtually isolated from the outside world. They start emotionally isolated from each other as well, but slowly begin bonding through a series of stilted conversations until they have sex. In the morning, they are thematically punished by the carcass of a sheep mauled by a coyote, a fleshy hole bleeding into otherwise perfectly white wool.
The film continues much in the same way. Jack, almost naïve to their circumstances, serves Ennis visions of futures where they stay together. Ennis, with a fiancée back home and scarred by a homophobic lynching his dad showed him when he was young, rejects Jack’s proposals. The assignment soon ends; Ennis goes off and marries his fiancée, Jack goes off and marries a rich cowgirl, and the two stay in touch through infrequent and increasingly desperate camping trips. The back and forth for competing visions of the future never ends. I’ll skip over the rest of the plot except to say a number of problems could be solved if either character had the foresight to hide behind a tree. The movie ends with Ennis (now alcoholic and divorced) telling his daughter he’d be at her wedding and gazing at one of Jack’s shirts, the last remaining trace of his former lover.
“Brokeback Mountain” was not the film I was expecting it to be. I’ve seen it treated as some pinnacle of queer cinema, but watching that I found it hard to believe. Their intimacy is frigid. Meanwhile, a shot of Ennis’ wife’s pregnant body is framed warmly, and Jack’s wife’s breasts are shot sensually. Markers of heterosexual success are overall framed more favorably by the language of the film than anything between Jack and Ennis. In this context, “Brokeback Mountain” struck me more as a straight film that happened to have gay characters that suffer and suffer and suffer for being gay. This is peak queer cinema?
And yet, this movie made me cry for the first time in at least a year. As I watched the last half hour, I could feel the head of my ex-boyfriend — a man I know will one day marry a beautiful woman — weighing down my lap. I could feel it as I watched the credits roll, as the film settled into my spine, as I sat there in the darkness afterwards. While I don’t think “Brokeback Mountain” handled it all that well, there is certainly a lot of misery to the queer experience, and if you can’t fix it you’ve got to stand it. Visit https://ampatutd.com/tag/doomed-yaoi/ for more on that, I suppose.
Night at the Museum (2006)
I know “Night at the Museum” isn’t a gay cowboy flick in the traditional sense, but unfortunately a lot of cowboy media is really fucking sad and we needed something to emotionally balance out our double feature this month. Not to mention I love Ben Stiller films, so the choice was a no-brainer. The cowboy of this film is named Jedidiah, a miniature figurine played by Owen Wilson. He and his tiny comrades come to life at night and ambush the main character, Larry (Ben Stiller), on his first shift as the new night guard. They attempt to kill him by hogtying him to a model train track and running his head over. Unfortunately, this plan fails. To add insult to injury, Jed doesn’t even have time to kick himself before the miniature Romans try to steal his kill.
We don’t get cowboy-on-cowboy action in this film, no, no, no. We get something better: a heated rivalry of historic proportions. Jed’s best frenemy is the Roman general Octavius, played by Steve Coogan. Octavius is the lifelong rival and probable love interest of Jed who is hellbent on conquering his land and will do anything to have it, going as far as using a bettering ram to punch a hole through the wall between their exhibits. He doesn’t get very far, but it’s the effort that counts. Honestly, is there anything gayer than forcibly conquering another man’s territory? Seems a bit fruity to me. My point is: that’s romance. The dedication? The persistence? The passion? You bitches could never!
“Night at the Museum” is a fun, heartwarming family film, but that’s not why we’re here. We’re here because we want two men the size of bottlecaps to kiss. The biggest problem is that Jed and Octavius are in total denial that they’ve been married for like 50 years. Throughout the film, Larry performs impromptu couples therapy and shows them how to work together so they can help save the museum AND their totally legitimate marriage.
Despite being shown hugging and holding hands in later installments in the franchise, sadly Jed and Octavius never get to smooch — on screen, anyway. I know those tiny plastic bitches get up to some truly heinous things behind closed doors. Jed even loosely quotes “Brokeback Mountain” during the climax of the film, when he and Octvius try to stop the antagonist’s escape by draining the air from his tires. As the air pressure blows their compatriots into the snow, Jed and Octavius cling to each other as Jed shouts “I AIN’T QUITTIN’ YOU!” If that isn’t the most obvious implication of their budding romance, then I have no clue what to tell you.
All in all, “Night at the Museum” is an equally enjoyable experience for gay cowboy fans and Ben Stiller fans alike. Even better if you happen to be both!
