The phenomenon of the YouTuber film is a strange one. Occasionally, internet-famous people will scrape together enough money to create a feature film, and there’s nothing we can do about that — except complain, of course. Join us as we ponder what’s more horrific: being trapped at the bottom of an alien ocean in a slowly deteriorating submersible, or attending high school with Shane Dawson.
Not Cool (2014)
I just wanna preface this review by saying that “Not Cool” might be one of the worst films I’ve ever seen. Now, I don’t mean this in the “it’s so awful it’s entertaining” kind of way; I mean this in the “how and why did anyone greenlight this monstrosity?” kind of way. I began my third watchthrough with gritted teeth, knowing I’d have to stomach looking at Shane Dawson for the next hour and a half. Why would I subject myself to this film on three separate occasions, you ask? Because I need humanity to understand why this might actually be The Worst Movie.
There’s something so foreboding about seeing the words “Directed by Shane Dawson” in the opening credits, immediately followed by a shot of a young woman’s ass occupying the entire screen as she scampers excitedly through a house party. Poetry in motion, truly. Unfortunately, the film follows that scene up with both a Black joke and a gay joke. It was then that I realized the urge to self-immolate wouldn’t cease until the credits rolled.
Anyway, our protagonist is a bitter college freshman named Tori, played by Cherami Leigh. Tori was nicknamed “Tori the Whori” by her peers in high school, which apparently stuck. Now, it’s winter break and everyone’s back in town for the holidays. She hates her family, she hates most of her “friends” apart from her stereotypical gay, black best friend, who we only ever see through her computer screen — she seems to hate everything and everyone. It’s kind of her thing.
At least, she hates everyone except for Scott, who is played by none other than the Shane Dawson! Wow! What a shocking turn of events! Shane wrote a scenario in which a surly, alternative, not-like-other-girls fantasy woman has a revelation and gradually falls head over heels for him while he barely needs to work on himself?! Whoa! Unprecedented!
That’s pretty much the only plot element of the film that’s worth mentioning. While “Not Cool” tries to be a #Relatable, #Quirky coming-of-age story about living in the moment and learning how to be vulnerable with the people around you, any effort toward that message completely falls flat when the viewer is subjected to edgy joke after edgy joke. We see countless gags directed at women, fat people, queer people, Black people, Brown people, and the list goes on. The worst part is that Shane directs this film like it’s a YouTube video. What will make the viewer gasp and cringe? What will upset them? Lines from anyone outside of the main cast are often screamed or yelled for MAXIMUM IMPACT because LOUD = FUNNY, RIGHT GUYS?
“Not Cool” is a slogfest of a film wrapped in tasteless pop culture references that aged like blue cheese. Anytime I felt a laugh coming on, it was doused by some predictable gross-out gag or wildly offensive stereotype. This film never should’ve left the cutting room. Fuck Shane Dawson for real, and my condolences to everyone else who is credited. May we remember this stain on cinematic history so we never repeat it.
Iron Lung (2026)
When I heard that a YouTuber was making a movie based on a horror game, I did something I now regret deeply: I had hope. I don’t have anything against Markiplier personally, I never watched him growing up — I was always more of a CaseOh gal. But last year, everyone kept whispering about a game called “Iron Lung” that Mark was apparently making into a movie.
So, to prepare, I did my research. I watched the gameplay, which took about an hour. The game is short, plotless, and the “sea of blood” that it opens on is literally an edited photo of beans. I figured a film adaptation of a game with no story meant there would be something, anything added to fill the gaps. So when the day came, I waited alongside 60 million Markiplier disciples for tickets. I wanted to support Mark; I just didn’t expect to experience 90 minutes of absolutely nothing.
The movie drags like it’s being paid by the minute. Perhaps they just really wanted to produce a feature-length film and be taken seriously for it, but this should’ve been a 30‑minute short film, tops. I’ll give credit where it’s due — the makeup and effects looked cool, and the set (which was essentially a cramped metal tube) matched the game’s version quite well. But the script? The acting? Mark, sweetie, NO. It felt like Mark dumped every idea he’d ever had into one guy, and it seemed like no one in the writing room had the courage to reel him in.
Random flashbacks come and go. Lore is introduced, then abandoned. Mark’s character says “fuck” and “goddamn” more than anything else, and maybe it’s because he’s a streamer, but I couldn’t take it seriously, despite how hard I tried. Mark certainly tried, though. At one point, he chugged an entire bottle of water, smacked himself, and said, “You just had to chug the whole thing, didn’t you? You fucking idiot!” I didn’t think that was bad until he took off his shirt to show his non-existent pecs in a slutty yaoi harness. The fanart that flooded my Instagram feed the following week took ridiculous amounts of cat videos to clean.
And the film’s lighting? Atrocious. There’s a scene where Mark’s character messes with some wires in a dark corner, and there’s no light source. Absolutely none. I wanna know who watched that footage back and said, “Yeah, that’s fine!” Maybe it was more of a “Good enough,” or “We can’t afford a second take,” but still. Have some standards.
The story eventually collapsed into trippy nonsense before suddenly becoming gory and action-packed in the last ten minutes, which I appreciated only because I barely had to listen to Mark’s character talk.
All in all, this movie is a snoozefest. Nothing happens. Markiplier should stick to FNAF and never touch a camera again.
