Hello Ratfans! I hope you all had a wonderful start to the new year and have been reflecting on what kind of person you hope to become in 2026. I know I have. You see, I’ve been getting a consistent complaint from my paramours of the past. They tell me that I’m just not freaky enough, that I’m “as sexually appealing as a room full of CS majors,” or, to put it colloquially, I “lack the sauce.” So, I decided to improve my prowess with these fun, subversive sex positions that will drive your partner absolutely wild. Don’t worry, I’ve tested them and can vouch for how safe and effective they all are. Mostly. Now tell me: have you ever tried this one?
Reverse Downward Dog:
Essentially the same as the yoga position, except you do it while on your back. Now remember, it’s imperative that you stay totally and completely still while doing this. You have to keep both your legs and arms in the air at all times. You can’t move in any way, otherwise it’s just missionary and that’s only for people who are boring and lame. If done correctly, not only will you have a fun night but you’ll also get incredibly toned.
If you hate the person you’re doing Reverse Downward Dog with, or if you’re into hurting people (I’ve yet to work up to that level of freak, I’m afraid…), this is the perfect opportunity to indulge in the erotic act of gouging their eyes out with your hands — or paws! This position has a lot to offer, and versatility is all the rage these days.
The Wild West Standoff:
According to all the literature I’ve engaged with in my lifetime (3 Substack articles and enough Twitter threads to make up 7 of the 9 hours of my daily screentime), what makes sex so enjoyable is the tension. So, why not create a position so sexually tense that you can basically forego foreplay?
The Wild West Standoff works like this: you and your partner stand on opposite ends of a bed that isn’t pushed up against a wall. You’ll both circle the bed, finger pistols at the ready. This is also a fun position if you want to try your hand at roleplay! You can incorporate fun cowboy-isms such as “this town ain’t big enough for the two of us,” “I just killed seven men with a gun that takes fifteen minutes to load and shoot,” or “I’m probably going to die from the flu because they haven’t made a vaccine for it yet.” If you want to add even more sexual tension, consider upping the stakes by incorporating real, loaded guns into the mix. We don’t kinkshame here!
The Rat King:
This position only works if you have a long tail and are also polyamorous. For those of you who are blessed with the gift of nonmonogamy and a tail, such as myself (hello to all 5,923 of my rat wives!), this position will really encourage you to bond, as you’ll need to bind yourself to your partners with your tails to create a throne that you (or whoever the alpha of your polycule is) will sit on. There, you will all repeatedly chant “I am the Rat King” in unison until you collectively climax. Let me tell you, nothing gets me hotter than teamwork and group synergy. Good luck getting untangled, though. I, um… I still haven’t quite figured that part out yet. Help.
