I’m not a part of the sheeple that are “following CDC guidelines” and “getting vaccinated.” It’s clear that the COVID-19 vaccine kills more people than it saves, since all of the headlines on my Facebook feed tell me so. From my sources on Facebook and totallyrealcovidtreatments.com, there are a variety of treatments for COVID-19 that are better than going to the hospital and supporting the demonic socialist healthcare model instituted by the secret communist government. Here are my top 5 COVID-19 treatments guaranteed to cure you of COVID-19! I haven’t died and I’ve tried most of them, so clearly they all work.
The most basic treatment for COVID-19 available, Ivermectin has been vetted by millions of doctors around the country. There are those who doubt the effectiveness, but I know this to be 100% effective. It saved my uncle’s cousin’s mother’s aunt’s brother’s grandpa’s coworker’s boss’s lawyer, so it can save you too! If you end up being forcibly taken to the hospital, you’ll be able to get a doctor’s prescription to save your life with this cheap and easily accessible medicine. Ideally, you’ll want to avoid the money grubbing greedy hospital doctors in the first place. Dealers will disguise themselves as “horse medicine providers” which is why people make fun of this treatment, but you now know the truth. Take as much as possible as soon as you realize that you have COVID-19, as that will increase the effectiveness of the treatment.
4. 48 straight hours of prayer
Theologists have discovered that through 48 hours of prayer to any deity of your choice, you’ll be immediately cured of COVID-19 through the power of divine intervention. A study recently conducted by the Catholic Church has proven that the Christian God has the potential to have a faster recovery time by 10%, and that recovery rate boost is present regardless of which denomination the person who prays is a member of. Being a regular church goer is also a requirement for this treatment to work, and is more effective the more people participate in the 48 hours of prayer. Any kind of prayer will do, from personally crafted healing prayers to signing classical hymns or doing choral chants. The only thing you are allowed to consume is water, and if you stop for too long to sleep or drink, you’ll have to restart the treatment.
3. Herbal teas
If you are of the Asian persuasion, you are already aware of the healing powers of nearly any herbal tea in existence. Sleeping and brewing a hearty cup of herbal tea has a nearly 70% chance to cure any disease or defect including blindness, deafness, back pain, arm pain, copium overdose, foot pain, cold, flu, depression, and death. Different herbal teas have different levels of effectiveness, and the more impossible it is for you to read the label the more effective the tea will likely be. If you don’t have an Asian parent, taking recommendations from other’s Asian parents for a specific herbal tea is perfectly acceptable. Some people ascribe the level of bitterness to the effectiveness of treatment as well, but this is more speculative than anything else. There is a secret homemade herbal tea recipe that I’ve heard of, using equal parts green sauce, snake oil, and high strength green tea that’s guaranteed to make you feel clean, but I haven’t had it yet because I didn’t end up buying it from an old high school friend of mine on Facebook.
2. Diluted students tears
One of the newer remedies that has popped up recently is the distillation of student’s tears. This groundbreaking discovery was made in the Spring 2021 semester as students that were infected with COVID-19 cried themselves to sleep, and were cured the following morning. The potency of the tears, due to the stresses of using Honorlock and being a college student, create a toxic substance to the virus, preventing the student from developing symptoms with pure depression. Shortly after the discovery was made, a group of researchers were able to procure a supply of student’s tears after a last minute Honorlock exam was given to a poor ECS class. However, when initially distributing doses of student’s tears to patients, researchers found the overwhelming depressive symptoms made it impossible to function after being cured of COVID-19. Thus, whenever receiving a dose of academically produced tears that are not your own, it’s been recommended to dilute the dosage with equal parts Monster energy drink and Vietnamese coffee. Of course, if you are a student, you can also just give in to despair and let out the tears to ensure you have a backup COVID-19 cure if any of the previous treatments are unavailable.
1. Temoc bath water
The most experimental treatment of them all, and nearly impossible to obtain, Temoc’s bath water has the healing properties of holy water multiplied to the highest degree. The classic UTD mascot has metaphysical properties that no one knows nor can know, but a few acolytes of an underground cult have sustained themselves on this all powerful substance throughout the pandemic. Although the cult itself seems to have disappeared due to a rapture-like event, some evidence remains of their mysterious methods of procuring Temoc’s own bath water. According to their investigations, after bathing in some amount of water, Temoc’s power would be imbued within, granting the water the ability to cure everything that a good herbal tea could cure, and more. Unfortunately, the exact methods of procuring some of Temoc’s bath water have been lost due to the group’s rapture, but it’s been theorized that it had something to do with sacrificing a Tobor and making a prayer to Enarc on top of a Temoc related ritual. Some students attempted to obtain a Tobor for this purpose, but were unable to keep it and kept it under wraps as “just showing the robot to their friend.” In any case, if you have any leads on how to obtain this mystical substance, please message me on Facebook Messenger.