Aries: If you’re struggling this much in the intro courses, you probably won’t like the rest of your degree. It’s not too late to drop out and cut yourself off from society! You still have time to move into a remote cabin in the Piney Woods and become an urban legend for East Texas campers. 

Taurus: Spring is a time for new beginnings, but make sure you’re not leaving your whole past behind. You’re never too old for stuffed animals! Mr. McFluffypants can come with you on your fresh start.

Gemini: It’s easy to feel lonely when you’re always shouting into the void. Have you tried listening back? Maybe the void has something to say.

Cancer: A dark spirit plagues you, demanding unspeakable sacrifices each day if you do not comply with its desires. Maybe it’s just lonely! Introduce it to some new friends.  

Leo: So your transformation into a giant sentient cockroach hasn’t been going as well as you expected. It’s time to fall back on an established support system. When was the last time you called your sister?

Virgo: Want to freshen up your love life? Meet up with water signs this month. After all, April showers bring May flowers!

Libra: Your fast-food addiction is getting out of hand. It’s time to embrace change and finally learn how to cook. (If you live in the dorms, disregard this. Whataburger for the third time this week is still better than DHW.)

Scorpio: World news getting you down? Try sacrificing your soul to the corporate overlords of mobile gaming. You never have to think about current events if your brain is always occupied with completing daily quests!

Sagittarius: Treat yourself to an overpriced beverage this week! Six dollars is a lot for boba tea, but it’s not a lot for a moment of true happiness. 

Capricorn: Emotional confrontation is difficult, but it’s a necessary evil. The monsters under your bed won’t go away on their own, and you can’t hide in the closet forever. You’re almost out of granola bars!

Aquarius: Don’t even think about going through the Starbucks drive-through this month. Have you seen how busy they are? Your caramel macchiato is not worth making the baristas suffer through this.

Pisces: Following your dreams is great! But don’t forget about money. And how little you have of it. Consider starting an Excel spreadsheet to manage your finances.