Ruh roh. Another dunk on modern governance within the Republican party. Zoinks, even. As Barack Obama once said, in times like these we must look back on classic American law films and drone strike children or something.
Legally Blonde (2001)
Played by Reese Witherspoon, Elle Woods decides to enroll in Harvard law school to big-up her ex and win him back. It’s a nice take on the hopeless pursuits of love that some of you CS virgins make on the daily.
In the movie, Elle’s climactic case is won with the challenging of a witness’ testimony due to a contradiction with the “first cardinal rule of perm maintenance.” The hypothetical before us would likely involve a one-versus-one court showdown between Elle and Donald Trump. This is a crucial detail. Unknowingly, Trump has entered into a verbal throw down where Woods is at home court. If anything is certain about Trump’s policies, it’s that they violate whatever rules there may be concerning hair maintenance — or as it’s known in the legal world, the “follicle’s First Amendment.”
The second core feature of “Legally Blonde” that we all remember is the dog. Upon rewatching the film, the dog is frankly, maybe, the cuntiest thing I’ve ever seen. His wiki reads simply: “Bruiser Woods is a chihuahua and the companion of Elle Woods. He is homosexual.” This is the sort of George Santos energy that the Republican party loves. I mean, objectively, Trump would be a fabulous RuPaul judge. I think Bruiser gives Elle not only gay appeal, which is key to winning over a notoriously fruity judge like Clarence Thomas, but also relatability. Dogs aren’t allowed in court. Trump isn’t allowed unitary control over the entire government. That’s literally the same thing.
Last thing: Elle wears pink. A lot. When life gives you Monday, dip it in glitter and sparkle all day. Perfect life mantra.
Alright. The verdict is in. Elle Woods has all it takes to win in front of the Supreme Court. Her ability to eat the house down boots versace mamma slay is a compelling governmental interest while her knowledge of a Republican’s weakness — style — is a narrowly tailored means.
Put simply, she would snap, not bend, to power.
My Cousin Vinny (1992)
“My Cousin Vinny” (1992) is perhaps the most Italian-American dramedy film ever made, and in my opinion, will be forevermore. The film follows two college students, Bill (Ralph Macchio) and Seth (Mitchell Whitfield), who accidentally plead guilty to first-degree murder, believing they’ve been caught shoplifting from the victim’s store while driving through Alabama. Bill then calls his cousin, the eponymous Vinny (Joe Pesci) — a personal injury lawyer who, unbeknownst to Bill, actually has zero trial experience and only recently passed the bar, which then prompts him to masquerade as an incredibly experienced super-lawyer named Jerry Callo. In true underdog fashion, Vinny wrestles with the staunch yet grueling world of criminal law and the trials within, almost losing his sense of self and the trust of his clients only to emerge with a satisfying victory in the final act, supplemented by his girlfriend Lisa (Marisa Tomei).
As for my personal feelings, all I can say is: this movie fucking rocks. This movie is what “Good Will Hunting” is to people who are pre-law. This movie is almost certainly the muse for many a law school essay. Joe Pesci plays Vinny with such empathy that you can’t help but root for him, not to mention he’s accompanied by a stunning performance by Ralph Macchio, although I do think it’s insane that they cast him in the first place as he was thirty one years old at the time of the film’s release. However, the real star of the movie, the person who should’ve been the star of this film in the first place, is Marisa Tomei.
Lisa, which is short for Mona Lisa (if that gives you any clue of how fucking awesome she is), is basically the reason why Vinny wins the case, why Vinny locks in enough to actually represent Stan and Bill, and why Vinny gets away by pretending to be Joe Callo. The most iconic scene of the whole film, and perhaps the most famous, is when she takes the stand after showing Vinny that Stan and Bill’s car couldn’t have been the one at the crime scene. She says, in her perfect Bronx accent, “No, the defense is wrong.” We witness her be the most criminal attorney that ever criminal attorney-ed as she destroys the prosecution with her knowledge of vintage cars by satisfyingly, and in encyclopedic fashion, concluding that the only car that could’ve made the tire tracks at the crime scene given the positraction and independent rear suspension is the Pontiac Tempest. That scene is the creme-de-la-creme of this film. I still get chills thinking about it.
Suffice to say, this movie would not be what it is without Mona Lisa as played by Marisa Tomei, and if we lived in a kinder and better world, this movie would probably be called My Cousin’s Awesome Girlfriend Mona Lisa.
