As a proud red, white, and blue-blooded American citizen born and raised in the state of Texas, I love the U.S. of A!!! But I’ll be the first to admit, she’s got some issues. Namely, a pest problem.

The solution is simple, really: just call the exterminator. That’s where the glorious Immigration and Customs Enforcement agency comes into play. They’re our Proud Boys in shining armor, ready to stand at our border and protect the men, women, and children of this country. Besides being a police officer, there’s no better way to serve this country — which is why it SICKENS me how much shit they get just for doing their goddamn jobs! These men put their lives down for you, and you slander them?! Accusing them of murder, kidnapping, and even torture? This is completely unsubstantiated leftist propaganda. It’s so easy to create fake videos with AI now, who’s to say that the people pumping bullets into a mother of three are even real? I don’t get the fuss; they’re just sending all these people back to where they came from, and I thought those people would be happy to finally go home!

I won’t have it, so I made a decision: I’m going undercover. I’m enlisting as an ICE officer, and I’ll document every part of the process so people will see that ICE are the good guys! Then everyone will have no choice but to accept that this is what our country needs. Out of love, of course.

WEEK ONE: ENLISTMENT

I just got back from the ICE facility after my first week on the job, and it’s been amazing! The drab concrete walls, the jail cells filled with illegal immigrants, it was everything I imagined and more. And the hiring process was so easy; all they needed was my name and social security number, and then I started the very next day!

I haven’t had much to do yet, which makes sense. I live in a very red area, but this is Texas, and we’re a border state, so I’m sure there’ll be plenty of opportunities for me to enforce the law.

There was one odd thing, though… I saw a few kids in the cells, which shocked me. I mean, don’t get me wrong, they shouldn’t be in this country — but they’re just kids! I thought they’d at least be separated or something, but it’s fine. I’m sure they’ll be happier back home anyway. It’s where they belong with all their, uhhh… whatever it is they do over there.

WEEK THREE: CRACKS

I’ve been an ICE officer for a while now, and I… I’m not sure what to think anymore, to be honest.

I talked to a few of the inmates, and they said they weren’t here illegally. They even showed me documents that proved their citizenship, but when I spoke to the other officers about this, they brushed it off. They say they’re lying and that it’s “in their nature.” When I asked these officers for proof, there wasn’t any. There never seems to be.

But these guys know what they’re doing, right? They can probably tell those documents are fake; I’m sure that after a few years on the job, I’ll be able to do it too!

WEEK SIX: THERE MIGHT BE BAD PEOPLE IN ICE

So, one of my coworkers killed someone today.

I SWEAR ON MY MAMA, it was justified! He said he was approached aggressively, and that he had to defend himself or he’d be a goner! But… well…

I watched the video. I saw what he did. The victim was backing away. I don’t even think he was an illegal — he was a protester! It’s a tragedy that an American citizen had to die, but they were protesting illegally, so I guess it was necessary. Sure, the First Amendment and all, but everyone knows the government has our best interests in mind. These critics don’t understand what it takes, how dangerous this job is. After all, who knows what these “people” are capable of? We’re saving American lives!

“From what?”

Someone asked me that today. I couldn’t think of an answer, but I’ll come up with a really good one in the shower tonight.

WEEK NINE: OKAY, SO I WAS WRONG. I WAS REALLY WRONG.

Okay. I’ve done some very important self-reflection, and I started to realize that ICE aren’t the heroes I thought they were.

You might be asking, “What changed?” and the truth is: nothing did. I just noticed a really, really weird thing in one of the jail cells as I walked by one day. There was a White guy in there, and his name was John Wilson. That’s when I realized that we weren’t just deporting illegal immigrants, we were deporting White American citizens too. And I’m not about that. I’ve prepared an extensive case file to show the world, and honestly, most of it isn’t that bad. Just a few random people killed here, a few innocent children imprisoned without water or proper toilets there. I’m sure once the world learns that White people are getting imprisoned, then we’ll see some real changes.

WEEK ???:

HELLO. I FOUND THIS JOURNAL UNDER ONE OF OUR FORMER OFFICERS’ BEDS, AND I WANTED TO CLEAR UP SOME THINGS. 

I AM THE DIRECTOR OF THE LOCAL ICE FACILITY THAT OFFICER ██████ WORKED AT. HE WAS A GOOD COOKIE BUT… HE LOST HIS WAY NEAR THE END. I UNFORTUNATELY SHOT HIM IN THE HEAD ‘CAUSE HIS NEW TAN MADE HIM LOOK LIKE AN ILLEGAL, BUT I’M SURE HE’D UNDERSTAND. IT’S A DAMN SHAME HIS HOUSE CAUGHT FIRE SO SOON AFTER HIS DEATH, ALONG WITH ALL HIS BELONGINGS. DAMN SHAME…