Do you know what was taken from you?

Back in my day, when the world was still bright and the future seemed endless, we had so much to look forward to. The light within my eyes still shone for I, the young child I was, could bask in the radiance of what I hoped would be the one constant in my life: good entertainment.

But over the years, show after show would be cancelled, game franchises would be left for dead and forgotten in the wind, and gradually the childhood that I had cherished was taken from me. It was replaced with unimaginative and unintelligent slop, the very same slop that airs on YOUR TVs, the same slop that they make you PAY your hard earned money to watch, that slop is what remains.

So, I’ll tell you how it happened. Let me show you how everything I love was ruined.

PART ONE: THE GOOD OL’ DAYS

In the old days, we had it all. We had Cartoon Network, Boomerang, Nickelodeon, the Xbox 360, and the Wii. We had limitless TV channels to choose from and countless games to play.

Classic TV shows such as the original “Teen Titans” and “Ben 10,” or games like “Sonic Unleashed” and “New Super Mario Bros.” were all available and easy to access, and their complex writing and intense action sequences were a joy to experience. In fact, I must acknowledge how pivotal this media was for the development of young children at the time. It taught complicated lessons such as “Being bad is bad, actually,” “There is no ‘I’ in Team,” and “Doing the right thing is good!” Video games were equally important, since they taught impressive skills such as quick time events and basic hand eye coordination — skills you couldn’t dream of developing any other way.

For a while it felt like we lived in a utopia. We’d wake up every morning before school to watch only the most educational TV shows, then we’d return in the afternoon to play engaging video games, and finally we’d end every day by watching exciting anime that would have us doing the Kamehameha or the Rasengan at recess the following day. Can you believe that every single day of our childhood was like that?!

So, what changed? Most people will say this is simply part of growing up and developing other interests, whether it be girls or sports or whatever it is most grownups enjoy — but I know the truth.

PART TWO: WHERE IT ALL WENT WRONG

While everyone growing up may have played a role in the decline of entertainment as a whole, it does not change the fact that what today’s youths consume is pure slop. It started slowly, with the first of the classic cartoons to go being the original “Teen Titans.” This was surely a tragedy, as its cliffhanger ending left us all wanting more — but then the monkey’s paw curled and saddled us with the true definition of an undying zombie of a show: “Teen Titans Go.” After that, “Ben 10” was the next to go, with multiple sequels and reboots to follow. This cycle quickly became too much to bear, especially with the 2016 “Ben 10” reboot’s insistence on being a “Teen Titans Go” ripoff. And now that we have an incoming “Ben 10” comic which looks nothing like the original, I can confidently say that I weep for the loss of yet another great franchise.

Games from this time fared slightly better, but not by much. These franchises simply don’t have the soul they once did. “Super Mario Wonder” ironically did little to wow me. It failed to capture the magic that I felt as a young lad sitting in my living room at one in the morning with friends playing co-op on the Xbox. And now all these new Sonic games either don’t meet my standards, or they’re simply a bunch of open-world nonsense that throws away what the games were originally supposed to be about.

Considering the type of content that modern kids are consuming, will they really be OK? Is there any hope for them to become as well adjusted as I am, without the guidance of network TV and video games?

Or perhaps… entertainment didn’t change, but I did? Did I waste all those years I spent fuming over perceived losses that I had to endure? Did I miss my opportunity to experience new forms of entertainment, like newer shows about more mature or sophisticated topics that I hadn’t even considered?

NO!

That can’t be true! I’ve spent DECADES watching these shows and playing these games, forced to witness what has become of their new incarnations and how their carcasses have twisted into unrecognizable beasts, mangled with nonsensical plotlines and random gags that rot the brains of those that consume them.

I just won’t stand for this any longer! I’ll make sure these shows are given the legacies they deserve… I’ll make sure they come back exactly the way they’re meant to… all I have to do is pay a little visit to a few executive offices, perhaps with a few homemade gifts. Wish me luck! 😉