Your Handy Financial Guide to Faking a Global Pandemic! (For fun and profit!)
Have you ever wanted to fake a global pandemic? Curious about the cost? Well here is a step by step guide going through the most expensive parts about faking a global pandemic.
Part One: Getting a Man on the Inside
First things first, you can’t start a pandemic in the United States. The conspiracy theorist community is too large, so any domestic pandemic faking operation has to have the appearance of foreign origin. That’s where China comes in. Our connections with China run deep, ever since we helped Mao with his little communist insurrection back in the 40’s, and so by funneling money through shell companies you’ll be able to have a false research lab that can serve as the supposed “starting point” for a false pandemic. Then, you’ll have to pick a district to start “infecting” people with your new virus, which is easily accomplished by having China move select members of the population into hospitals and declaring the outbreak of a brand new virus. From then on, China gets to execute political dissidents under the cover of a deadly new pandemic and you get to declare that the new virus is easily spread and potentially deadly! (With no vaccine or cure to boot!)
This does, of course, have a cost. From the millions of dollars required to construct a research lab, and the billions required to placate the CCP on an annual basis, to the billions more required to help the CCP with cleanup costs, the total initial cost for setup will total to approximately $10 trillion dollars.
Part 2: Going Domestic, and dealing with those Science types.
So you’ve got a fictional bio weapon to spread around. How do you do it? And how do you get those pesky research labs to help you continue to fake it’s existence?
Simple really. Tourists come to China all the time, and with the continued assistance of the CCP along with a little bit of bribery, you can get tourists infected with your brand name pandemic. Slip a few billion dollars to other countries around the world and your virus will become a household name in no time! To ensure continual false infection, you’re going to need to invest in corruption of local and national officials all around the globe, as well as cleanup costs for faking the deaths of millions of people globally. New fake names, new living locations, maybe even new fake relatives. You’re going to have to go the financial distance in order to make millions of people disappear and become entirely new people, so you’d better start breaking the bank now!
On top of that, you’ll have to convince research labs and universities worldwide that your new virus definitely exists, and that the research for it’s cure is a top priority (in order to increase the level of panic). This will cost about a million dollars per research lab, and so combined with all of the research institutions world-wide you’re going to have to corrupt, it’ll come out to about $220 million for the dedicated research institutions alone, ignoring any other university that potentially wants to do research. Seeing as a lot of colleges and universities are governmentally funded, that’ll probably be about another $10 trillion worldwide to ensure complete academic corruption.
Part 3: The Conspiracy Theorists, The Politicians, and The Elderly
Of course, you’ll have to be wary of those darned conspiracy theorists. Inevitably, a few will catch on to the game, and no amount of money will be able to silence them. The trick is going to be in the public opinion. So long as you make it hip and cool to protect yourself from the virus, the rest of the Democrats and college kids will hop on board, and by making the pandemic response a political issue rather than an issue uniting the nation, you’ll be able to disparage the Republican party and shorten their voter base!