Greg Abbott released executive order GA-34, lifting the mask mandate and letting businesses open up 100%. Now, the order is written in classic legalese, which may be hard to understand for some of our less legally-inclined readers. As such, I’ve created this handy-dandy summation to help Texans understand the decision making that goes on within our government.
Executive Order GA-34
Relating to opening up Texas, because Me and My Base are impatient and hate masks
WHEREAS the pandemic is ongoing and most Texans have not been vaccinated
WHEREAS only 9% of Texans are fully vaccinated against COVID-19
WHEREAS there continue to be thousands of new infections and hundreds of deaths every day
WHEREAS wearing masks and limiting the amount of people in a space is a proven method of reducing infection rate
WHEREAS I previously made executive orders that reduced business occupancy and mandated mask usage
WHEREAS apparently we’ll have enough vaccinations to fully vaccinate everyone by the end of May
WHEREAS I and the rest of my friends and supporters are impatient and want to throw beer parties now instead of in 3 months
Now, I, Greg Abbott, Governor of Freedom-to-do-what-you-want-land, ignoring the advice of medical experts by filtering it through one ear and letting it go out the next, order the following:
- In all counties that don’t have high hospitalizations (as described below) :
- There can be no restrictions made on business occupancy, and
- People can wear masks if they want to, but the great free state of Texas will not require anyone to wear a stinkin’ piece of fabric that’ll suffocate them and their children. This also means that counties cannot require you to wear a mask and restrict your God-given right to liberty from fabric oppression.
High hospitalizations means that nearly every barista, line chef, and cash register has an elderly relative in the hospital in a county. The hospitals should see at least 5 deaths a day from COVID-19, and mounting stress from the ongoing pandemic should send at least 1 doctor home a week, rotating out fully stressed out doctors to deal with the ongoing crisis.
- In any county that does have high hospitalizations as explained above:
- Sike! There still aren’t any state imposed business occupancy limits!
- Sike again! Everyone is free from the cloth suppression machine, as propagated by Democratic and CDC propaganda!
- County judges may try and use these kinds of COVID-19 mitigation strategies, but:
- Businesses can’t go lower than 50% occupancy capacity, whereas schools and any House of The Lord may not have their occupancy limited at all.
- Jail will not be a penalty for violating any COVID-19 order.
- No penalty can be required for not wearing a mask.
- Basically, there cannot be legal consequences for defying a COVID-19 order.
- People should still wear masks (but we’ll just keep that between us and God).
- Businesses can still require masks and other distancing protocols. There are no legal consequences that can be imposed besides trespassing, so people don’t actually have to care.
- Every previous order that had any semblance of a good COVID-19 mitigation strategy is now gone, reduced to ashes. You’re welcome.
Screw you guys, I’m throwing a kegger,
Governor Greg Abbott