The ripple effects of U.S. health secretary RFK Jr. tearfully whimpering on live television that autism is ruining America’s children can be felt throughout the country, more ‘tizzed out than ever in anno domini MMXXV. Frantic mommy bloggers are throwing out their Tylenol stockpiles and COVID-19 vaccine cards en masse, creating a second Great Pacific Garbage Patch. Rail yards across the nation are covering their locomotives in tarps in hopes of dissuading accusations of fostering “antisocial” behavior. But an emerging online community, the traditional western masculinity sphere, is bravely pushing back against the rhetoric that autism needs to be curtailed in the first place. AMP sat down with a prominent figure in the movement, UncircumcisedSigmaLegionnaire, to uncover how his community fights the concerted push by the Department of Health to eradicate their way of life.

“Salve, my friend. Thank you for sitting down with me today to help dispel the falsehoods propagated by the tyrants currently in power. As you know, rhetoric like RFK Jr.’s is just part of the woke modernist bluepilled scheme to disempower and castrate American men and put them in chastity cages and make them wear bunny ears. Since autism is a virtue most often seen in the masculine ego, the sudden, massive smear campaign against it simply reeks of classic misandry designed to keep the most noble of us men from realizing our true potential. Our world is run by false kings, creating legions of unhappy men with nothing to stoke the fires of their passion — and that’s why I launched my podcast, ‘The Sigma Trad West Show,’ to show these starving souls how true happiness comes from pursuing a superhuman existence — that is, a richly autistic one.

For starters, autistic beings are simply closer to the Platonic ideal of humanity than allistic ‘people.’ We’re not chained to the material world. Our blessed, beautiful autistic eyeballs are oriented spiritually with the Gnosis, allowing us to see through the temptations of money, status and waifus and focus on the things that really matter. We don’t just watch the shadows on the walls of Plato’s cave, bowing to flimsy concepts like ‘politeness’ and ‘eye contact.’ We can venture out into the sun. A careful reading of ‘The Republic’ will reveal that the just philosopher-king is actually just a guy with a hyperfixation on governance and wisdom. 

RFK Jr. said that every child with autism is a tragedy. We argue otherwise. Every child born with allism is a child that will never experience the simple pleasures of stimming out, will never form a life-alteringly deep, personal hyperfixation with a topic they love, and will forever have their vision clouded by the mists of normieslop. All they’ll end up doing with their life is go to their 9-to-5, drive back home, and watch ‘NFL RedZone’ until they fall asleep. A passionless life like that is one that we would never accept for ourselves or our compatriots. But this is exactly the world false kings like Brainworm Bob are shepherding us toward.

This is why ‘The Sigma Trad West Show’ grew from merely empowering autistic men to take back control of the lives they’ve been told aren’t worth living to a far grander, more purposeful project. You see, we are seeking out the righteous Emperor for the revival of the Roman Empire, under which the allist will be rightfully destroyed and the Vitruvian man, with his endless knowledge and respectable commitment to eating three foods on a rotating basis, will be championed. We must save the blinded public from the absence of good they have become desensitized to in their everyday non-autistic lives. And so we spread our holy autism throughout these barren wastes.

But the emperor we seek isn’t here yet — he’ll take five, ten more generations to spring forth from our holy loins. This righteous inheritor of the throne of Caesar will, through sheer ‘tizz rizz, bring about the society where we are the oppressors, no longer the oppressed — but enemies like RFK Jr. surround us. They intend to sterilize us, render us impotent, dare I say bitchless. They scramble to convince mothers in lilting jeers that their block-stacking sons and fujoshi daughters are problems to be corrected; to convince women with taunting sneers that partnering with autistic men is lame; and to convince us of our worst fears — that this world is not for us, and we are not for this world.

But my dedicated fanbase and I are fighting back. And we know we’ll win because of one trump card we have over the heretical allists — our breeding program.

We are creating beautiful, just children who will stim our glorious Empire into prosperity. Our members who score the highest on the RAADS-R autism test are ushered together to produce offspring that are a smidge closer to the Platonic ideal of humanity. For every Tylenol-deprived child created by RFK Jr. that will never unlock the overwhelming joy of designing imaginary geopolitical situations wherein Nazi Germany won WWII, we will create a counter-child with hitherto unseen levels of autism. We will raise an army. We will take back what’s ours. And much like with the tiny weights that I attached to my dong to regrow my foreskin, we can undo history and create a better, just as unequal future. For all of us.”