Zohran Mandami,

You have to stop this. You have to. I know your constituents are telling you to keep going and that it’s tempting to do so, but you simply must stop doing — well — anything. No more policies, no more promises, it all has to stop. My name is Kennedy Sedentario. I’m a New Hampshire state representative, but I’ve worn all sorts of hats — State Attorney General, state prosecutor, and a third position that involved sentencing minors to decades in prison for low-level drug charges. I have been a cornerstone of the Democratic party since before Reconstruction — even if I keep missing votes because the janitors keep mistaking me for a dead plant and throwing me in the trash — and you, Mr. Upstart Zorhan, need to listen to me.

I know your type. You’ve swooped in, enchanted Gen Z with promises of affordability, and secured yourself as New York City’s new mayor because you think that’s what people want. I understand. We all went through that phase. But I’m here to tell you, Zorahn — you have to stop this nonsense about having campaign promises, and especially following through on them.

I know this seems silly. New Hampshire is probably miles away from New York City (I’m not sure, I spend most of my time on a beach in Florida). None of your policies will affect me (or my constituents, I guess) directly in the slightest. Well, the reason is simple. Cory Booker, Hakeem Jeffries, Nancy Pelosi, Gavin Newsom, and I all drew straws for who would have to send this email, and I got the short straw. You’re fucking us over, man. I’m getting calls from my constituents asking me about my policy. They want to know what I’m doing to improve their lives. 

I am so scared. I haven’t had to do things since I got my AARP account, the same year white women’s suffrage was passed (which should have been done more incrementally, in my opinion). This is upsetting the natural order. I don’t do things. I run off the fact that I’m not a Republican and people vote for me either because my name is next to the “D” on the ballot or because they think I’m one of those Kennedys.

You are threatening the ground upon which all of our vacation homes are built, the ground which was promised to us 3,000 years ago. I’ll let you in on a secret, Madmanhi — a secret we usually don’t tell people until after their second corruption scandal. You and your Ticking-Tock videos and your Scavenger Adventures have missed the entire point of the Democratic Party.

Politics fucking suck. They suck dog ass. No one likes thinking about politics, and that’s what the Democratic party runs on. Not healthcare, not accessibility, not quality of life, and certainly not woke. Half of us can’t stay awake for more than an hour, anyway. When we campaign, we are trying to sell people the power not to care. That’s all anyone wants with politics. Policy is a headache; ideology a chore. We promise every four years that if you vote for us, you don’t have to think about it! We won’t pass any bills unless they’re purely symbolic condemnations of the true issues facing this country, like socialism and the concept of a spine. We won’t make any meaningful change. We won’t let the government shut down for too long no matter what, because we aren’t really fighting for your right to healthcare, we’re fighting for your right to feel like you can change the channel.

That’s what we do. No thoughts, no opinions, just sweet, sweet, ignorant bliss. With a real, proper, American Democrat in charge, none of the Right Folks, none of those good dubiously-Christian suburban upper-middle-class Obama stans have to think about us. That’s what we’re here for. That’s why we all have the same vacant smile and dead eyes. We want to be nondescript. We want to be forgettable. That’s the promise we make to these people — that they can forget us.

You want a better city? You want fast, free buses and affordable, subsidized groceries? You want free childcare? No one else does, because that’s not really what you’re trying to sell them on. You’re trying to get them to hope that the world tomorrow can be better than it is today, and it will never work, ignoring the fact that it already has. Hope is dead. You can’t ask these people to hope. That died when Reagan took office. The people of the United States are begging us, begging you: please don’t make them do anything that isn’t scrolling the interwebs while ChatGOP fucks their wife. Please don’t make politics anything other than a headache. Please stop doing things.

I’m asking nicely right now. I want to trust that you’re a reasonable man, Mr. Namdami. We as Democrats understand compromise, and I’m hoping that somewhere in your decrepit, filthy, socialist heart, you do too. I speak for the Democrats, yes, but I also speak for the silent majority of your people. Listen to what they aren’t saying, aren’t telling you, and think about why. Why would they refuse to interact with your campaign that promises everything? They don’t want everything. They want to not give a fuck. Think about Cuomo and his promises. The status quo. A safer street, achieved exclusively through hiring more cops. Listen to the resounding voices of these poor, silenced people and see reason.

Of course, I understand this may be hard to hear. I understand you ran for office as a public servant, and it may be tempting now to try to actually serve that public. I warn you, however. Noncompliance may result in some of the strongest sanctions the Democratic Party has to offer. We have strongly worded letters ready to go. We have interns ready to start dunking on you on X, the Everything App, at any moment if you fail to comply. Cory Booker is willing to shake his head silently at your inauguration. Step carefully, Mr. Madnami.

XOXO,

Representative Sedentario