Hello, my fellow Americans! It’s me, the beloved spokeswoman of our even more beloved president, Scharoline Schmeavitt.

I know that Americans across the country have been struggling. People are clamoring for us to do something, whether it’s about insurance rates or the cost of groceries. I’m here to announce that we’ve heard your demands, and we’re finally taking decisive action: we’re tearing down the Statue of Liberty.

Many Americans are upset by this decision, and they’re wrong because the Statue of Liberty is incredibly lame — and WOKE. Firstly, she’s not American. She’s French. To everyone that says she was made in France and sent to America as a gift: are you seriously claiming an immigrant is supposed to represent the holy land, America? An immigrant who isn’t even white? That’s woke, lefty propaganda at its finest.

Our new statue is gonna be so much better. It’ll only be $200 billion, and just think of the value! Instead of the current bland, moderately-dressed lady, this new and totally smoking hot babe will wear a swimsuit. I mean, just think — Lady Liberty will be much easier on the eyes once we finally get her out of all those stuffy clothes she’s wearing. But don’t worry, she’ll still be holding a torch and tablet representing liberty and… JUST KIDDING!!! She’ll be holding up a Trump Bible instead, which is the president’s favorite Bible and the only one he can hold without bursting into flames.

Is this legal? Well, in case you’re unaware, let me refer you to Clause 37 of Article II: “Who’s going to stop us?” Now that the government shutdown is over, Congress can go from doing nothing to stop President Trump while getting paid for it, to doing the same thing in an official capacity. However, some members of Congress and the courts objected, so the president had some very productive talks with Mike Johnson and John Roberts. As soon as they rose from their hands and knees and extricated their lips from his posterior, everyone came to a fair compromise: President Trump does what he wants, and the rest of the world can suck it. These are the masterful negotiations you’d expect from our president, who is doing such a great job mediating between Russia and Ukraine right now!

While the $500 billion renovations are underway, you might be wondering, “What’ll happen to the rest of Ellis Island, including the famous gift shop?” We actually have some pretty great ideas. My personal favorite idea is to turn it into a massive resort for the ultra wealthy, like some sort of secret, elite island getaway.

All of these powerful, wealthy people will certainly need some entertainment, no? So we’ll need to fly in some exotic dancers and maybe a few teenagers full of supple blood just to ensure our esteemed guests won’t get bored. We realize that the management of this island will be pretty difficult, but don’t worry. I’ve heard about this New York financier that’d be perfect for the job! I’m just spitballing, but I think the president will definitely sign off on this.

Now, you may also wonder where the funding for this $1 trillion project will come from. So far, Congress hasn’t allocated any funds for the renovation. Thankfully, we have a list of perfectly morally upright and unsuspicious donors.

We know that some AI companies can be unscrupulous, so only donations from the benevolent Skynet have been accepted. Qatar is sending another $400 million out of the kindness of their hearts, and Saudi Arabia is sending over a generous mix of both oil money and blood money. Argentina’s President Milei pitched in a charitable -$20 billion, while New York City Mayor-Elect Mamdani contributed his charming megawatt smile and some sweet words that the president was too lost in his eyes to decipher. Organizations like The Illuminati But Only for White People, Aperture Laboratories, AIPAC 2, Pivoting Spot USA, and the UTD National Merit Scholarship fund have also contributed funds. It’s not just companies either, we also have philanthropic individuals Lex Luthor, MrBeast, Bubba (the former president), and Bubba (the horse) donating.

Somehow, Henry Kissinger has returned, and he’s thrilled to contribute too. So, yeah, I’d say the project is in trustworthy hands.

Now, even after all of my assurances, some people might still have doubts about this $666 hexillion renovation. Phony Democrats say this goes against everything the Statue of Liberty stands for, and by extension, everything that the U.S. stands for. Engraved beneath Lady Liberty, these marxists will point to the words: “Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free.” Well, I think that poem is incredibly lame! Count yourselves lucky, because I have another poem cued up that was written by the president himself, which I’m sure is just as good! “May every day be another wonderful secr—” Oh, whoops, wrong poem.

What I really mean to say is: “TRUMP 2028!” Wasn’t that a beautiful and fitting poem expertly crafted by our president? It brings a tear to my cold, unblinking eyes, unlike that previous WOKEM.

Anyway, since we turned the East Wing of the White House into the Washington Commanders’ new stadium, I think renovating the Statue of Liberty is fairly reasonable. Immigrants used to see her in the distance as they approached the shores of Ellis Island and think, “This is who Americans are.” And now, as they are ferried off those same shores, they will look back and see who Americans are now.

The new Statue of Liberty will still represent freedom. Instead of freedom for those pesky minorities and immigrants, she’ll stand for the freedom of our glorious ICE agents to protect us from dastardly single mothers of three! She’ll represent freedom for conservative cishet white men to say the n-word on TV! At last, powerful men will finally have the freedom to grab women by the pus— whoops, wrong speech again.